Saturday, January 19, 2013

Official Levels of Dorkdom

Instead of blogging about Manti Te'o or the ongoing gun wars, I decided to officially rank the various levels of dorks. As a self-professed dork myself (and a member of multiple levels), it's something we need to shine a light on in order to educate the masses. Think of this as like a dork WebMD, where you can self-diagnose yourself and freak out accordingly at the revelations. This will most likely offend most of my three readers, but hey, at least dorks have more substance than jocks (saying 'dude' and 'bro' repeatedly in between squat-thrusts and wearing tight fitting Ed Hardy shirts does not equate with 'substance'). Until something else comes along, this is the official list, done in dorky RPG/ Magic 'The Gathering' format. The lower the number, the more mainstream and normal you are. There's also a quiz at the end to test your dorkiness. BTW - two work colleagues assisted in this compilation, so credit goes to xxxxxx xx and xxxxxxx xxxxxx. Thanks guys! Enjoy.

+ 0.25 "The Endangered Species/Dying Breeds"

Activity - Stamps, Sports cards, Coin collectors.
Symptoms - These are the most mainstream of the bunch. Usually older folks who served in WWII/Vietnam/Korean War, love America, love pre-1964 silver-based coinage, and refuse to part with their Todd Van Poppel and Frank Thomas rookie cards. "I will not trade you a Fleer Jim Abbott for a Luis Salazar and Gary Templeton 1987 Topps, the corners are bent!" Slight hoarder mentality, as old Beckett pricing guides tend to litter their attics and lamenated stamp sleeves fill their closets.
Prognosis - Harmless. Look to them for wisdom, as they are wistful of days gone by. 

+ 0.5 "Sleeping Dragon"

Activity - Starbucks loyalists, Apple/Android Fanboys
Symptoms - hypocritically anti-corporate/profit taking, these fanboys swear by their Smartphone's capabilities and will make snide remarks about their nemesis. Steve Jobs is venerated above Obama in their books, all while sipping an overpriced burnt $4 mocha soy chai latte skim dash of stevia Starbucks drink. Indoor scarves, tight black jeans, flannel, oft-mentioned thick black rimmed glasses. Think Ben Folds/Rivers Cuomo of Weezer. 85% of fanboys are either unemployed or underemployed, accepting jobs below their skillset to 'screw over corporate America', but its really because they can't use their Philosophy/French major to gain regular employment.
Prognosis - This is the future of America. God help us all.

+ 1.0 "The Gateway"

Activity - Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Twilight/Vamp knock offs
Symptoms -  The first real level of dorkdom, of which I am 67% guilty of being a part of. These nerds read the books, wait outside till midnight for the release of the books, dress in character, wax poetic about the landscaping of Hogwarts and what they'd buy if they ever went to Diagon Alley. Feminists flock to Katniss Everdeen and Hermione Granger for their valor and intelligence. Depressed women look to Edward Cullen as the ideal man despite his gargoyle-esque appearance and pasty skin tone, sometimes holding their partner to those same standards. Spells will sometimes be invoked in public settings/recess like 'Windgardium leviosa', 'Avada Kedavra' and 'Alohomora' (to unlock shit, obvi).
Prognosis - The slippery slope begins here.

+ 2.0 "Barely Acceptable"

Activity - Hardcore gamers, WWE, NASCAR
Symptoms - There should be another post called 'Levels of Body Odor' because these mouth-breathers take the cake in the stink department. Chronic masterbators/sweaters (as in can't stop sweating), pit-stains, halitosis, greasy hair, jowls, sweatpants, yellowed/missing teeth, parents' basement dwellers. Headsets to talk smack on 12 year-olds in Idaho whilst playing Halo, quick tempers, ratty Nirvana 'In Utero' tshirts, extensive knowledge of grunge music. Scream "WHAT?" at live WWE shows during interviews even though Stone Cold has been retired for ten years. Think wrestling is real 65% of the time. Venerate Dale Earnhardt Sr. above Jeff Foxworthy. Wear aviators indoors, prone to rat-tails, mullets, and again, that body odor friggin HAMS take a shower. Jizz stains on their bedroom floor/pillowcases/tube socks. Constantly pass gas inadvertantly due to excitement from beating a level, Jeff Gordon winning the Daytona 500, or watching Randy Orton land an 'RKO'. Know all of the cheat codes, fatalities, own all of the strategy guides for Final Fantasy, will skip meals/poop pants to get past a boss with 1000+ hit points. May masterbate WHILE playing if there is an attractive animated playable character. Engage in fights over who drives in circles hundreds of times better, and will put that driver's number on their car.
Prognosis - Keep an eye on these greaseballs. Adult-onset diabetes, anti-social behavior arises in 83% of the cases.

+3.0 "A Whole New World - Don't You Dare Close Your Eyes"

Activity - Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, Fantasy books (Dragonlance, RA Salvatore, Terry Brooks/Goodkind)
Symptoms - ponytail, flatulence blah blah, etc. Longing to move to The Shire or Rivendell  (although I'd try to avoid Lady Galadriel like the plague because she's a Stage 5 Clinger! Amma right guys? Guys?). Frequent sloppy and subpar Gollum impersonations, sexual fantasies of Orlando Bloom in elf costume (maybe that's just me). Can't get through sentences without becoming out of breath and panting. Frequent vigils praying for George CR Martin's morbid obesity to stay in check until Game of Thrones series has been completely finished. Hiding out in basements to read RA Salvatore fantasy books about dragons/elves/humans/minotaurs coexisting. Threats of using the 'Horn of Gondor' when life situations get dicey and help is needed. Unfunny Frodo/Sam Gamgee gay jokes. Dress up parties. Dressing up and going to parties (Halloween 2003, my friend and I went as Aragorn and Legolas. Might as well have gone as Ace and Gary. Worst costume idea ever). Dumb Gandolf quotes during office meetings. In-depth knowledge of a Balrog and an Uruk-hai's weak spots (the neck, but you knew that). Facebook memes with LOTR/GOT veteran Sean Bean with sword and a witty caption at the bottom. Grand schemes of fashioning armor out of 'mithril ore' and insisting it can be found in the Missouri Ozarks if we can just secure funding.
Prognosis - Most likely harmless, unless they bring a sword to school and say things like 'wolfsbane' and 'excalibur' while swinging it over their head as you nervously duck out of the way and make up an excuse to get the hell out of dodge.

+4.0 "Intergalactic Planetary, Planetary Intergalactic" 

Activity - Star Trek, Star Wars, BattleStar Gallactica, Babylon 5, Sci-Fi books
Symptoms - Long hair in ponytail, 'heel' goatee, glasses, males with hyphenated last names, loud booming voices that overlaugh at stupid jokes ('The Blockbuster Video/Barnes & Noble store manager'), standing ovations each time the opening credits to Star Wars comes on every time it returns to the theaters, unintelligent debate over the sustainability of Planet Earth, references to obscure Tattoine creatures followed by adjusting glasses and giving a phlegmy chuckle because they're always under the weather, 'Live Long and Prosper' v-sign with their stubby fingers, 80's black sweatpants without pockets but with an elasticized ankle that bunches up before reaching their sneakers, chronic masterbators, lots of facial stubble, elevated body odor yet a full deck of teeth, mostly off-white. Find 'Spaceballs' to be more offensive than 'The Elder Protocols of Zion/Mein Kampf'. Think Lavar Burton's inability to get promoted on the Enterprise was because he was black, but really it was because he was blind. Did NOT like the Disney purchase of Lucas Films and refuse to admit three more movies were made starting in 1999. Try to be funny and talk in the Jar Jar Binks voice but really come off as annoying and weird. Venerate Emperor Palpatine above George Soros. Wait, same person.
Prognosis - They're probably maintaining your company's IT infrastructure, so keep your comments to yourself. 

+5.0 "Alriiight, what the hell is going on here? Get out of my house!!! Go 'on, GIT"

Activity - Dungeons & Dragons board games, role playing books, Magic 'The Gathering' Cards
Symptoms - Being in your parents' basement. All the time. Speaking in terms of strength levels - "Yeah, that touchdown pass had about a +5 dexterity." "Great thunder storm last night, it was like a wizard using a Lightning 2 spell." Irrational excitement of Friday nights, since that's when everybody goes to Todd's house to dress up in cloaks and eat Jax cheese balls and wet Doritos. Missed belt loops on pants. black and gray drab shirts that are untucked in the back. Everyone involved is 'skinny fat.' Dungeonmaster prone to saying "What say you?" in moments of confusion. Proficient in firing Nerf arrows at your Chewbacca poster.
Prognosis - I could diagnose but everyone's response would be 'Too soon, dude.'

10 QUESTION DORK QUIZ - special thanks to my wife for providing this questionnaire.

"You know you're a dork when".....Take this simple 10 question test to determine your level of dorkiness......
1a) You know what the Horn of Gondor is (1 pt)
1b) You've threatened to use the Horn of Gondor in desperate situations (2 pts)
1c) You have actually SOUNDED the Horn of Gondor (3 pts)

2a) You've read all 7 Harry Potter books and seen all 8 movies (1 pt)
2b) You've thought how easy it would be if you could perform the Confundus Charm on your boss (2 pts)
2c) You've mumbled Harry Potter spells out loud in everyday situations and half hope they work (ie - Occulus Reparo to repair your glasses or Brackium Emendo to heal a broken bone) (3 pts)

3a) You think Ron Weasley wasn't good enough for Hermione (he wasn't) (1 pt)
3b) You wonder how you didn't figure out Alastair Moody in book 4 of HP was really Barty Crouch Jr. How did I not SEE this? (2 pts)
3c) You had to go on Zoloft when Sirius Black died (3 pts)

4a) You get in debates over whether the elves of Rivendell or the elves of Mirkwood were better archers (Mirkwood, obvi) (1 pt)
4b) You dressed up as Legolas on occasion (guilty) (2 pts)
4c) You had a lifesize cardboard cutout of Legolas that your mother-in-law bought you for your room (cough...I have to go now...[jumps out nearest window]) (3 pts)

5a) You've said "Live long and prosper" to another living person (and that includes yourself) (1 pt)
5b) You've tried to perform the 'Vulcan Neck Pinch' to subdue your children and were disappointed when it didn't work (2 pts)
5c) You have psychotic meltdowns when someone mixes up Star Wars and Star Trek references. They are different! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! (3 pts)

6a) You refer to cloudy days as ‘Edward Cullen’ days (1 pt)
6b) You don’t know WHY Jacob had to interfere in Bella and Edward’s relationship. Why Jacob? She is taken. They have a perfect and pure love that you are TAINTING with your wolfy advances. (2 pts)
6c) You started your own club and affectionately call yourselves The Vulturi. (3 pts)

7a) You wonder why Jar-Jar Binks can’t be more like Chewbacca (1 pt)
7b) You’ve found yourself debating whether Princess Leia or Queen Amidala is the perfect woman (neither – my wife is) (2 pts, plus brownie points)
7c) Your pants got tight when you heard they were coming out with 3 new Star Wars movies (3 pts)

8a) You’ve fantasized about going to a Star Trek convention (1 pt)
8b) You HAVE gone to a Star Trek convention (2 pts)
8c) You run the Star Trek conventions and dress up as Data each time (3 pts)

9a) You think the Steward of Gondor should have given Aragorn a bit more respect. This is Isildur’s heir we’re talking about here people! (1 pt)
9b) When you go into a conference room at work, you liken it to riding from the pits of Mordor to the fires of Mount Doom. Unless there are free donuts present. (2 pts)
9c) You jerk-off to Legolas. Shut up - I was drunk!!!! (3 pts)

10a) You know enough about Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Star Wars, Twilight and Harry Potter to understand all of the references in this quiz (loooozahhh) (1 pt)
10b) You’re wearing a Harry Potter costume right now (2 pts)
10c) You’re jerking off to Legolas right now (3 pts)


10-18 points – You’re like the welfare/entitlements version of the dork. You don’t actually go out of your way to actively pursue BEING a dork, but you’ll take any free dorky shit thrown your way.
19-25 points – You are the middle class of the dork universe. Be ready to get squeezed. (And not by Legolas)
26-30 points – You are the 1% when it comes to dorks. Other dorks may stage an ‘Occupy: Shire’ sit-in to protest your awesome levels of dorkiness.

Ok, now everyone hand over your guns and go read Twilight.

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