Sunday, January 27, 2013

Let's Get The Kardashians Deported Back To Armenia

Sorry for the weird font - trying to fix.

I've had enough. As an Armenian American (ie - never been there, just know the slurs/swear words), it's high time we organized a grassroots effort to somehow get the Kardashians out of this cesspool country. They're bringing it down, making Armenians look bad, making conspicuous consumption look cool, and adding no substantial value to our lives. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - these people make Dr. Kevorkian look like Mother Theresa. If a Turk came up to me and said he was gonna start the second Armenian Genocide, I'd rat these gals out faster than a teenaged George Soros turning in a Jew during the 1940's.

So here's the deal - I'm gonna run down each Kardashian (in words, not with my car), and why its time for them to leave. If you disagree, I will add you to this list and get you deported too, so see to it that you keep your mouth shut. Let's do this thang.

Kris Jenner - The matriarch. Married Robert Kardashian (ie - the attorney who disposed of OJ's murder garments), cheated on him with a soccer player, got his money when he died of cancer, and remarried Olympic hero/lesbian librarian Bruce Jenner. Queefed out four scumbag children with Kardashian, three of which I have filed official paperwork to have deported. Looks like Chyna with a pixie cut (two red flags). This woman is a gold digger/socialite, and while not Armenian, birthed these spawn of Satan and therefore must be forced to live in Armenia. Start packing.

Kim Kardashian - The first of the three children to put herself on the map. Not by doing something classy or entrepreneurial with her fathers money, but by making a sex tape with Ray J. In case you didn't know, Ray J is famous for being the brother of 90's R&B star Brandy (the same woman that somehow avoided vehicular manslaughter in 2006. Cause of accident - Ray J was riding her coattails too closely). Dated NFL bust Reggie Bush, married Kris Humphries and divorced him 72 days later (but took countless braindead women for a roller coaster ride and US Weekly sales through the roof). Kris Humphries went on to become a half-decent basketball player in the aftermath. Then she started dating the third most over-rated black man behind Obama and Jay Z - Kanye West. The last rapper without an out-of-wedlock child. Conveniently, the bitch is now pregnant for the sole purpose of keeping herself in the news. If abortions could be televised, she'd pursue that option as well, but there's more money to be made when you have Kanye's lovechild. Since Armenians are hairy and Kanye is one of the biggest pieces of shit on TV, their child will be a hairy piece of shit. So they need to go.

Kourtney Kardashian - Oldest child. Parents should have stopped there, but unfortunately they didn't. Links up with biggest deuchebag on earth, Scott Disick, who wears the gaudy outfits that Craig Sager and Shannon Sharpe REFUSE to wear, and uses a pimp cane eventhough he walks fine. Bastard won't even do the decent thing and marry her. At the expense of actually parenting her children, tosses them to a nanny the second she returns from the maternity ward and fiendishly works out so she can secure her next "I dropped the baby weight in record time for my People Magazine Bikini Shoot." Cause that's how beauty is measured, you hairy whore. Take your family and your mustache to Armenia. Hopefully Scott gets molested by TSA and they stick the cane up his ass and throw his lifeless bitch-corpse in the plane's undercarriage with the rest of the cargo. (what?!?!?)

Khloe Kardashian - unfairly called the ugly Kardashian. Her physical appearance is not ugly. The second she opens her mouth, she morphs into a fire-breathing, toad-faced harpee. That's ugly. She looks like she smells like a homeless woman's four month old used tampon. Do homeless women actually use tampons? Not sure why they wouldn't, but then again that's not my problem. That's Lamar Odom's problem. These two have actually been married for over three years, which is like ten years in Hollyweird years. They will be divorced by mid-2014, and Odom will miraculously rejuvenate his career, because that's what people do when they shed the Kardashians. You don't piss me off as much as the other two, yet I still hate your guts. Weird how that works. Get to steppin' dollface.

Once these jezebels get deported, we can revisit the (hopefully) muted impact of the Kardashian family. Bruce just seems confused so he turns to toy helicopters to escape reality, Rob is still shell-shocked that he banged a Cheetah Girl, and the two little ones are now starting to whore themselves out while Mommy takes pictures. One of those sluts will be pregnant in the next two years, bank on it. But that's the next wave, for another day. You might be saying, "You sure know a lot about this family, I'll bet you watch them regularly." I don't, but like the last vestiges of Magic Johnson's HIV, you can't seem to completely rid yourself of this disease. That's why you need to join me in my pledge to deport these ghouls as well as their partners.

America will be glorious again.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Weekly Fear-Mongoring: Scary Global Trends 2013-2014

Part of my remit as Blogger-In-Chief is to follow up goofy posts with a serious macro view of what's going on in our world that the news media is not picking up. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm pretty plugged in to the non-Fox News/CNN/MSNBC alternative media, especially the financial markets. Again, I'm no smarter than any other bozo out there with a blog and an opinion, but when the kids are in bed, I like to scour the net for financial, economic, geopolitical and 'alternative' news (not cross-dressers and tri-sexuals, but doom and gloom/secret society newsboards), in lieu of watching The Bachelorette, DWTS, and all of the other mindless rubbish the rest of bonkers jowly America is watching.

So what follows started off as me just having fun with some buddies of mine, giving my thoughts on what the alternative media is saying and how I processed the information from a timeline perspective. It evolved into a comprehensive brain-dump of everything I had read over an eight month span. 75% of what I wrote has a good chance of happening between now and the end of 2014. Here is what followed. Have fun with it, call me crazy if you want, but just remember how far both parties have taken us into the ditch since 9/11/01. Approval ratings are as low as they can go for Congress. As I said on Facebook on November 6th (in between swear words and race-baiting), it's over. We are finished as a country. It's a matter of time before the other shoe drops. Romney would have merely delayed the inevitable. So really, both parties plus the Federal Reserve have ruined us and our reputation domestically, internationally, and militarily. Ron Paul isn't in Congress anymore to be the voice of reason. Hell, I've even warmed to Dennis Kucinich cause he at least 'gets it.' So enough ranting, here is what I think is coming down the pike. No snide tin-foil remarks. Enjoy and hope you get a pit in your stomach! Hugs and kisses! 
·         Fiscal cliff fallout
o   Looks like this is an over-sized turd sandwich. $620b of tax hikes on the rich over a ten year span, now ZERO cuts in government spending. How on earth is this possible? It’s the equivalent of a 6% cut on the annual deficit of $1.1 trillion. Anytime Democrats promise future spending cuts in exchange for tax hikes, the tax hikes happen automatically and the spending cuts never materialize. The GOP assclowns will get played by Obummer YET AGAIN and taxes will go up for the second time in four months while $80 billion gets cut from discretionary spending (insert 'mmmm PSSHHHHH' hand gesture)
o   Markets have a boner now, but will subside in the next six weeks when Wall Street digests the stupidity and lack of meaningful action to reduce deficit.
·         Debt Ceiling Talks
o   GOP got their butts whipped by Obama in the Fiscal Cliff talks, so they will play hardball with Debt Ceiling next month, demanding the aforementioned cuts that will never materialize in exchange for a bump in the ceiling to $18.7b (up from $16.4b).
o   Threats of bankruptcy/insolvency will be used to frighten GOP into caving, they eventually do cause they’re p-words.
o   BOOM! Next business day, all of the ratings agencies cut the US Bond rating from AAa to AA. They've already sent out warnings. But I'm sure the Obama administration will try to portray S&P and Fitch as perverts or tax dodgers, just like OJ's defense team distracted the overwhelming evidence with Mark Fuhrmann saying the N word. Don't pay attention to our government's response. We are in trouble.
·         Dollar deflation/Price Inflation
o   Dollar plunges, markets plunge after credit rating downgraded. This starts the descent of everything into chaos.
o   This QE3/4 mumbo jumbo is gonna kill us. They keep printing to accommodate their debt problems and every other country on earth thinks it’s a frigging joke. Usually a 3 year lag on inflation when money is injected, so this started in late 2009/most of 2010 and we are smack dab in the timeframe for monetary inflation.
o   India, China, Japan, Russia, Brazil and soon Saudi Arabia (once the king dies) have all signed bilateral trade agreements in their own currencies as part of a ‘Dollar Exclusion’ zone. This will further depress demand for our worthless currency.
o   Petrodollar is dying (means of exchange for oil with dollar as reserve currency), and these deals are exponentially expanding throughout 2012 and onward. Nobody wants to invest in the dollar. Nobody wants to invest in the Euro. It’s all part of the planned collapse and implementation of a one world currency.
o   Worst drought in 100 years in 2012. We are the biggest farming country on earth and this past summer was dreadful for crops. They all expect 20% increases on daily food products in Spring 2013 in the US. Rest of world will be even worse. Last time food spiked, we got Arab Spring in Egypt which caught like wildfire because of wheat shortages. This will be well-timed with any economic collapse. Food riots are the fuse that lights chaos. Whenever 40% of income goes to food, panics ensue. Right now we are around 15-20% and growing fast.
·         Tax Policy/Healthcare
o   April 15th is tax day. Revenues have been steady but this year the government brings in significantly less than in prior years because of those pesky 47% not paying taxes, tax shelters, creative accounting practices, etc. This heavily weighs down the market. Investment blogger Max Keiser is predicting chaos late April when these numbers are disseminated.
o   Obamacare kicks in officially January 1st, 2014, but benchmarking begins in January 2013. Small companies will start to lay off people to avoid the fines for no healthcare over 50 employees. Also residual fallout from angered employers over the election.
·         Unemployment
o   7.8% unemployment rate is very contrived and doesn’t represent true amount of eligible people working. Real number is 11.5% or in some estimates, 15%. More people leave the workforce cause they’re losers and then the government points to a lower % of unemployment. Can’t believe this dumbass jerk country falls for it each month like the job market is really getting better. Accepting a job for 25% less is not 'improvement.' Going from an office job to a barrista at Starbucks is not 'a great experience.' Manufacturing jobs ain't coming back. You should have expanded your skillset while you were employed at the plant instead of worrying about your hour long lunchbreak. We are expensive labor. I'd outsource too if I could!!!
o   I think it will go up to 8.8%/9% by year-end 2014. Call it the ‘Obama Recovery.’
o   Food stamps explodes to over 50 million by end of 2013.  (Up 57% from 32 million at end of Bush term – still unacceptable then, which is why I quit the party).
·         Interest Rates
o   We are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either we keep printing and inflation hits hyper levels so that it costs $10 for a damn loaf of bread but ho-hum we keep monetizing our stupid debt (combined with lack of interest in our toilet paper fiat currency by other former allies) OR we end our ZIRP (Zero Interest Rate Policy) and goose it back up to 1.5%/2.0%, which will KILL this country in interest payments. Imagine if most of our tax revenues went to INTEREST on the debt? That’s where we’re headed!
o   China, Japan, and Brazil are our biggest investors. They are slowly backing away and unwinding their treasury positions as it is, money printing only makes us less desirable. Currently rates are slated to start going back up late 2014/early 2015, but Bernanke keeps pushing this out cause the Fed has no solution in mind. I say they leave rates alone in 2013.
·         Commodities Outlook
o   Gold -  it’s at $1692 right now, I think with all the dollar decline and chaos, it moves up to $2000 by year-end.
o   Silver – about $32 right now, I think it makes a bigger percentage move over the next few years and ends 2013 at around $40. More upside on silver cause its used in production and we are relying on silver reserves being found every year.
o   Numerous reports on the internet say that the US and UK have squandered the safekept German gold at their facilities. Germany is pissed. Russia and China are consolidating and expatriating their gold reserves out of the hands of the US and Europe. No one can be trusted anymore. This will end in war if countries aren’t made whole (also another reason for the Iraq and Libya invasions – they get to loot all the gold of Hussein and Gaddafi and replace what was used). Frequent news reports are showing a COMPLETE and WIDESPREAD distrust among banks in US and Europe. Everybody wants their own gold in their own hands. What happens when all of it has been lent out and is hard to get back? I guess we'll find out.
o   There are rumors that the silver market has not moved because of JPM manipulation. They enter into astronomical amounts of put options to keep the price down on silver. The CFTC (regulatory agency in charge of keeping commodities markets trading fairly) will not publish who its biggest futures contracts are but have implied a large market mover is a too big to fail bank that ‘acquired’ another company in early 2008 (JPM bought Bear Stearns in early 2008). They aren’t doing anything to stop it, but most feel that eventually JPM will be cornered and give themselves up (which will cause bloodletting in the process).
·         Euro Outlook
o   Each month, the PIIGS (Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, and Spain) ask for more bailout money. Germany and France are tired of shelling out since they are in near recessions themselves. Expect this to continue until late 2013 where enough is enough and Greece and Spain get booted from the Euro. Germany may leave voluntarily, France is having a TON of revenue problems after the infamous millionaires tax drove people out of the country to Belgium and was ultimately REMOVED last month after the Gerard Depardieu fiasco. And by 'fiasco' I don't mean his role in My Father The Hero, which featured the debut of Katherine Heigl. I may have had a small crush on her at the time.   
o   More riots in Spain and Greece, and the food shortage will start to really ramp up. Anything shipped from United States will have higher costs and our drought will certainly not be helping European countries that rely on us.
o   A frequent guest on Alex Jones (Lindsey Williams) has said the Euro will not implode until every country is incredibly leveraged to the teeth and under the watchful eye of the European Central Banks (‘Planners’). This could be anywhere from two to three years, but I think sooner.
·         Middle East Outlook
o   Israel still wants to go ahead and bomb Iran. Netanyahu just got reelected yesterday. The November incursion in the Gaza Strip was a test to see how the Israel defense systems and artillery worked, so far so good. Renewed focus on a covert attack with the US is more likely than a wide-open war.
o   Obama and Netanyahu have an agreement to let the sanctions run their course until Springtime and then Obama gave the commitment of US forces to the region. But Obama is a pathological liar and hates Israel. So I'll believe it when I see it.
o   Russia will still be arming Iran and Syria in the coming months, but the word is that Syria needs to fall BEFORE we attack Iran, so that allies like Turkey won’t have opposition and Israeli and US forces can run straight through a beaten up Syria. Russia is currently removing all of its expats from Syria as we speak, the largest removal since the uprising began in March 2011.
o   Syrian chemical weapons WILL be used in 2013. Reports are starting to trickle out that victims are showing signs of poisonous gas in their lungs. No matter who deploys these weapons, it will be blamed on Assad’s government. We continue to fund these rebels (‘Al Qaeda’), and yes, these are the WMD’s that were moved from Iraq in 2002 before the war. Obama will use Syrian chemical weapons usage as a pretext to invade Syria.
o   I’d wager that Syria escalates in Springtime with an Iran attack in June. I know I’ve kicked the can on this dumb prediction but YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!!!!
·         2nd Amendment Gun Legislation - I had a lot written but decided to take it out of this post so I don't end up on some Department of Homeland Security list for spreading weird conspiracy theories. All I can say is don't be surprised if more of these tragedies happen and are exploited by the gun control lobby. Also, the new domestic terrorist will be the prepper, veteran, conspiracy theorist, libertarian, constitutionalist, etc. Step aside, Al Qaeda.

That's all for now. Hope I scared the shit out of you. Things are getting worse, not better. All of the major indicators that were in place before the crash of 1987, 2000, and 2007 are going off again, and this time its much worse. So enjoy your winter ski season people and keep a watchful eye on the world around you! Since you probably are rolling your eyes and lost respect for me, fear not, I will be looking out on your behalf. As usual, thanks for reading! Pleasantly surprised at the amount of views I'm getting (hint - its more than 3 people).

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Official Levels of Dorkdom

Instead of blogging about Manti Te'o or the ongoing gun wars, I decided to officially rank the various levels of dorks. As a self-professed dork myself (and a member of multiple levels), it's something we need to shine a light on in order to educate the masses. Think of this as like a dork WebMD, where you can self-diagnose yourself and freak out accordingly at the revelations. This will most likely offend most of my three readers, but hey, at least dorks have more substance than jocks (saying 'dude' and 'bro' repeatedly in between squat-thrusts and wearing tight fitting Ed Hardy shirts does not equate with 'substance'). Until something else comes along, this is the official list, done in dorky RPG/ Magic 'The Gathering' format. The lower the number, the more mainstream and normal you are. There's also a quiz at the end to test your dorkiness. BTW - two work colleagues assisted in this compilation, so credit goes to xxxxxx xx and xxxxxxx xxxxxx. Thanks guys! Enjoy.

+ 0.25 "The Endangered Species/Dying Breeds"

Activity - Stamps, Sports cards, Coin collectors.
Symptoms - These are the most mainstream of the bunch. Usually older folks who served in WWII/Vietnam/Korean War, love America, love pre-1964 silver-based coinage, and refuse to part with their Todd Van Poppel and Frank Thomas rookie cards. "I will not trade you a Fleer Jim Abbott for a Luis Salazar and Gary Templeton 1987 Topps, the corners are bent!" Slight hoarder mentality, as old Beckett pricing guides tend to litter their attics and lamenated stamp sleeves fill their closets.
Prognosis - Harmless. Look to them for wisdom, as they are wistful of days gone by. 

+ 0.5 "Sleeping Dragon"

Activity - Starbucks loyalists, Apple/Android Fanboys
Symptoms - hypocritically anti-corporate/profit taking, these fanboys swear by their Smartphone's capabilities and will make snide remarks about their nemesis. Steve Jobs is venerated above Obama in their books, all while sipping an overpriced burnt $4 mocha soy chai latte skim dash of stevia Starbucks drink. Indoor scarves, tight black jeans, flannel, oft-mentioned thick black rimmed glasses. Think Ben Folds/Rivers Cuomo of Weezer. 85% of fanboys are either unemployed or underemployed, accepting jobs below their skillset to 'screw over corporate America', but its really because they can't use their Philosophy/French major to gain regular employment.
Prognosis - This is the future of America. God help us all.

+ 1.0 "The Gateway"

Activity - Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Twilight/Vamp knock offs
Symptoms -  The first real level of dorkdom, of which I am 67% guilty of being a part of. These nerds read the books, wait outside till midnight for the release of the books, dress in character, wax poetic about the landscaping of Hogwarts and what they'd buy if they ever went to Diagon Alley. Feminists flock to Katniss Everdeen and Hermione Granger for their valor and intelligence. Depressed women look to Edward Cullen as the ideal man despite his gargoyle-esque appearance and pasty skin tone, sometimes holding their partner to those same standards. Spells will sometimes be invoked in public settings/recess like 'Windgardium leviosa', 'Avada Kedavra' and 'Alohomora' (to unlock shit, obvi).
Prognosis - The slippery slope begins here.

+ 2.0 "Barely Acceptable"

Activity - Hardcore gamers, WWE, NASCAR
Symptoms - There should be another post called 'Levels of Body Odor' because these mouth-breathers take the cake in the stink department. Chronic masterbators/sweaters (as in can't stop sweating), pit-stains, halitosis, greasy hair, jowls, sweatpants, yellowed/missing teeth, parents' basement dwellers. Headsets to talk smack on 12 year-olds in Idaho whilst playing Halo, quick tempers, ratty Nirvana 'In Utero' tshirts, extensive knowledge of grunge music. Scream "WHAT?" at live WWE shows during interviews even though Stone Cold has been retired for ten years. Think wrestling is real 65% of the time. Venerate Dale Earnhardt Sr. above Jeff Foxworthy. Wear aviators indoors, prone to rat-tails, mullets, and again, that body odor friggin HAMS take a shower. Jizz stains on their bedroom floor/pillowcases/tube socks. Constantly pass gas inadvertantly due to excitement from beating a level, Jeff Gordon winning the Daytona 500, or watching Randy Orton land an 'RKO'. Know all of the cheat codes, fatalities, own all of the strategy guides for Final Fantasy, will skip meals/poop pants to get past a boss with 1000+ hit points. May masterbate WHILE playing if there is an attractive animated playable character. Engage in fights over who drives in circles hundreds of times better, and will put that driver's number on their car.
Prognosis - Keep an eye on these greaseballs. Adult-onset diabetes, anti-social behavior arises in 83% of the cases.

+3.0 "A Whole New World - Don't You Dare Close Your Eyes"

Activity - Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, Fantasy books (Dragonlance, RA Salvatore, Terry Brooks/Goodkind)
Symptoms - ponytail, flatulence blah blah, etc. Longing to move to The Shire or Rivendell  (although I'd try to avoid Lady Galadriel like the plague because she's a Stage 5 Clinger! Amma right guys? Guys?). Frequent sloppy and subpar Gollum impersonations, sexual fantasies of Orlando Bloom in elf costume (maybe that's just me). Can't get through sentences without becoming out of breath and panting. Frequent vigils praying for George CR Martin's morbid obesity to stay in check until Game of Thrones series has been completely finished. Hiding out in basements to read RA Salvatore fantasy books about dragons/elves/humans/minotaurs coexisting. Threats of using the 'Horn of Gondor' when life situations get dicey and help is needed. Unfunny Frodo/Sam Gamgee gay jokes. Dress up parties. Dressing up and going to parties (Halloween 2003, my friend and I went as Aragorn and Legolas. Might as well have gone as Ace and Gary. Worst costume idea ever). Dumb Gandolf quotes during office meetings. In-depth knowledge of a Balrog and an Uruk-hai's weak spots (the neck, but you knew that). Facebook memes with LOTR/GOT veteran Sean Bean with sword and a witty caption at the bottom. Grand schemes of fashioning armor out of 'mithril ore' and insisting it can be found in the Missouri Ozarks if we can just secure funding.
Prognosis - Most likely harmless, unless they bring a sword to school and say things like 'wolfsbane' and 'excalibur' while swinging it over their head as you nervously duck out of the way and make up an excuse to get the hell out of dodge.

+4.0 "Intergalactic Planetary, Planetary Intergalactic" 

Activity - Star Trek, Star Wars, BattleStar Gallactica, Babylon 5, Sci-Fi books
Symptoms - Long hair in ponytail, 'heel' goatee, glasses, males with hyphenated last names, loud booming voices that overlaugh at stupid jokes ('The Blockbuster Video/Barnes & Noble store manager'), standing ovations each time the opening credits to Star Wars comes on every time it returns to the theaters, unintelligent debate over the sustainability of Planet Earth, references to obscure Tattoine creatures followed by adjusting glasses and giving a phlegmy chuckle because they're always under the weather, 'Live Long and Prosper' v-sign with their stubby fingers, 80's black sweatpants without pockets but with an elasticized ankle that bunches up before reaching their sneakers, chronic masterbators, lots of facial stubble, elevated body odor yet a full deck of teeth, mostly off-white. Find 'Spaceballs' to be more offensive than 'The Elder Protocols of Zion/Mein Kampf'. Think Lavar Burton's inability to get promoted on the Enterprise was because he was black, but really it was because he was blind. Did NOT like the Disney purchase of Lucas Films and refuse to admit three more movies were made starting in 1999. Try to be funny and talk in the Jar Jar Binks voice but really come off as annoying and weird. Venerate Emperor Palpatine above George Soros. Wait, same person.
Prognosis - They're probably maintaining your company's IT infrastructure, so keep your comments to yourself. 

+5.0 "Alriiight, what the hell is going on here? Get out of my house!!! Go 'on, GIT"

Activity - Dungeons & Dragons board games, role playing books, Magic 'The Gathering' Cards
Symptoms - Being in your parents' basement. All the time. Speaking in terms of strength levels - "Yeah, that touchdown pass had about a +5 dexterity." "Great thunder storm last night, it was like a wizard using a Lightning 2 spell." Irrational excitement of Friday nights, since that's when everybody goes to Todd's house to dress up in cloaks and eat Jax cheese balls and wet Doritos. Missed belt loops on pants. black and gray drab shirts that are untucked in the back. Everyone involved is 'skinny fat.' Dungeonmaster prone to saying "What say you?" in moments of confusion. Proficient in firing Nerf arrows at your Chewbacca poster.
Prognosis - I could diagnose but everyone's response would be 'Too soon, dude.'

10 QUESTION DORK QUIZ - special thanks to my wife for providing this questionnaire.

"You know you're a dork when".....Take this simple 10 question test to determine your level of dorkiness......
1a) You know what the Horn of Gondor is (1 pt)
1b) You've threatened to use the Horn of Gondor in desperate situations (2 pts)
1c) You have actually SOUNDED the Horn of Gondor (3 pts)

2a) You've read all 7 Harry Potter books and seen all 8 movies (1 pt)
2b) You've thought how easy it would be if you could perform the Confundus Charm on your boss (2 pts)
2c) You've mumbled Harry Potter spells out loud in everyday situations and half hope they work (ie - Occulus Reparo to repair your glasses or Brackium Emendo to heal a broken bone) (3 pts)

3a) You think Ron Weasley wasn't good enough for Hermione (he wasn't) (1 pt)
3b) You wonder how you didn't figure out Alastair Moody in book 4 of HP was really Barty Crouch Jr. How did I not SEE this? (2 pts)
3c) You had to go on Zoloft when Sirius Black died (3 pts)

4a) You get in debates over whether the elves of Rivendell or the elves of Mirkwood were better archers (Mirkwood, obvi) (1 pt)
4b) You dressed up as Legolas on occasion (guilty) (2 pts)
4c) You had a lifesize cardboard cutout of Legolas that your mother-in-law bought you for your room (cough...I have to go now...[jumps out nearest window]) (3 pts)

5a) You've said "Live long and prosper" to another living person (and that includes yourself) (1 pt)
5b) You've tried to perform the 'Vulcan Neck Pinch' to subdue your children and were disappointed when it didn't work (2 pts)
5c) You have psychotic meltdowns when someone mixes up Star Wars and Star Trek references. They are different! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! (3 pts)

6a) You refer to cloudy days as ‘Edward Cullen’ days (1 pt)
6b) You don’t know WHY Jacob had to interfere in Bella and Edward’s relationship. Why Jacob? She is taken. They have a perfect and pure love that you are TAINTING with your wolfy advances. (2 pts)
6c) You started your own club and affectionately call yourselves The Vulturi. (3 pts)

7a) You wonder why Jar-Jar Binks can’t be more like Chewbacca (1 pt)
7b) You’ve found yourself debating whether Princess Leia or Queen Amidala is the perfect woman (neither – my wife is) (2 pts, plus brownie points)
7c) Your pants got tight when you heard they were coming out with 3 new Star Wars movies (3 pts)

8a) You’ve fantasized about going to a Star Trek convention (1 pt)
8b) You HAVE gone to a Star Trek convention (2 pts)
8c) You run the Star Trek conventions and dress up as Data each time (3 pts)

9a) You think the Steward of Gondor should have given Aragorn a bit more respect. This is Isildur’s heir we’re talking about here people! (1 pt)
9b) When you go into a conference room at work, you liken it to riding from the pits of Mordor to the fires of Mount Doom. Unless there are free donuts present. (2 pts)
9c) You jerk-off to Legolas. Shut up - I was drunk!!!! (3 pts)

10a) You know enough about Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Star Wars, Twilight and Harry Potter to understand all of the references in this quiz (loooozahhh) (1 pt)
10b) You’re wearing a Harry Potter costume right now (2 pts)
10c) You’re jerking off to Legolas right now (3 pts)


10-18 points – You’re like the welfare/entitlements version of the dork. You don’t actually go out of your way to actively pursue BEING a dork, but you’ll take any free dorky shit thrown your way.
19-25 points – You are the middle class of the dork universe. Be ready to get squeezed. (And not by Legolas)
26-30 points – You are the 1% when it comes to dorks. Other dorks may stage an ‘Occupy: Shire’ sit-in to protest your awesome levels of dorkiness.

Ok, now everyone hand over your guns and go read Twilight.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Weekly Fear-Mongoring: What do Crystal Pepsi, Ecto Cooler, and the US Dollar have in common?

I've found the magic formula for my blog - 67% of my posts will be random topics, but 33% will stick to fear-mongoring and doom and gloom. This week's fear-mongoring deals with the looming death of the US dollar. My goal is to ensure you have a little piddle puddle at your feet and need to change your pants by the end of the post. Happy reading.

For the better part of 100 years, the great experiment called the 'US dollar paper currency' has made the United States the number one economic power, military power, and overall global power. We are the world's reserve currency, a safe haven for struggling countries to park their sovereign wealth over the past century. However, forces have been in play over the past forty years that have reduced this once strong currency to a shell of its former self. In fact, the dollar has lost 98% of its value since the Federal Reserve was incorporated in 1913. Happy 100th birthday, by the way, you scoundrels (more on this later). How did we get here? Why did we get here? What the hell is gonna happen and is this gonna be a long and boring post?

I'm no economist, but I subscribe to the Austrian School of Economics and read up on all of the works of the 1% of folks who actually called the 2008 Economic Crisis back in 2006 (Peter Schiff, Ron Paul, Nouriel Roubini, Gerald Celente, Robert Weidemer, and a now well known radio host named Alex Jones). If you were laughed at for warning of a housing crisis in 2005-2006 by the major news networks, or wrote scary articles about accumulating dangerous budget deficits and expanding entitlements and were ridiculed, I want to know what you know. If in 2007 you called a bull market and saw no end in sight to the 'irrational exuberance', I want you tarred and feathered. See where we're going here? Conventional wisdom bit us in the ass five years ago, and those same pollyannas who thought nothing was wrong back then are rearing their ugly heads again. "Everything's fiiiiine, unemployment is creeping downward, it no longer hurts when I urinate, we didn't go off the fiscal cliff, Obama's gonna fix everything, the rich are finally getting taxed more, my entitlements are still in tact, etc." Time to drop some pipe bombs and give you all a reality check on where the dollar is headed.

Here's a quick history lesson since we don't get a proper perspective in our failing schools on how to run an economy, let alone our own personal finances - the US dollar in coin form was first minted in 1794, but it wasn't until the 20th century that paper bank notes started circulating. The 1944 Bretton Woods agreement fixed every country's exchange rates on the US dollar. Any and all US coinage was backed with gold. To save a lot of boring history lessons, we gradually backed away from coin-based dollars in favor of paper, and in 1971 Tricky Dick Richard Nixon put an end to the gold standard (ie - backing US paper currency with gold). This set in play the free fall of the dollar over the past 40 years.

Fast forward to 2013. We have a $16.4 trillion debt. China has emerged as our eventual replacement in the 'global superpower' category. Russia waits in the background, as do India and Brazil. The westernized nations in the Middle East pretty much hate us (might be the whole 'we don't hate Jews' thing), but put up with us nonetheless. We've shifted from a manufacturing economy to a service economy (thanks, NAFTA/Unions/Unmotivated Americans with horrible skillsets and lack of ambition). We're expensive labor.  We've printed trillions of dollars since 2009 and just sent them willy nilly into the global economy. We have a disfunctional Congress that's about as effective as the 'rhythm method', and our credit rating was downgraded in August 2011 because we can't seem to get our fiscal shit together . I think it will be downgraded again after February's debt ceiling shitshow combined with a less-than-stellar tax revenues showing on tax day April 15th. SHUT OFF THE BACHELORETTE I'M TALKING HERE - CAN'T YOU JUST DVR IT?!?!?!? All of this together has made the US dollar as desirable as a Betty White Playboy spread (some sicko just screamed 'Jackpot!!!!'). We got here because we got cocky, stupid, and greedy, and whatever comes down the pike (financially) for the United States, we probably deserved it.

As it stands right now, the top investors in US Treasuries are 1) The Federal Reserve 2) Domestic/Global Mutual Funds 3) China and 4) Japan. The Federal Reserve pumped in about $1.5-$2 trillion for QE1, $600 billion for QE2, and between QE3/QE4, about $85 billion a month since September 2012, indefinitely. Combine that with near zero percent interest rates and you can see why no one wants our toxic currency. We are dangerously close to hyperinflation (textbook definition is that hyperinflation results whenever the currency inflates by over 100% in a three year span). Think Weimar Republic in the early 1930's, where infamous photos show wheelbarrows full of useless deutschemarks taken to the grocery store to buy a damn loaf of bread. We all know what happened in Germany when these desperate people needed someone to turn to. This is what happens to dying currencies. You can't just print money out of thin air and still expect people to think it's cool. Your economy falls apart, and your life falls apart. And oh by the way, it's fun to blame Bush, Obama, Pelosi, Boehner for our country's problems, but this stuff falls on the Federal Reserve. As anyone who took an Economics course in college knows, The Fed sets monetary policy (ie - interest rates, money supply), and Congress sets fiscal policy (budgets, size of deficit, tax policy). Both suck and both need to be audited every year. We're finally making progress auditing the Fed. Anyhoo......

China has intentionally kept their renminbi currency undervalued to keep their manufacturing economy overheated, and they are also slowly unwinding their US Treasuries position and entering into bilateral trade agreements in non-USD denominated currencies. So is Russia, India, Brazil, Japan, and every other Middle Eastern country. In fact, once Saudi Arabia's king dies later this year, they will stop conducting trade using USD. So there goes the petro dollar as a medium of exchange. There are treasure troves of recently signed bilateral trade deals that DON'T involve the US dollar. It's like our fiat currency has Ebola virus or something. All of this reduces the value of the dollar and pushes costs up domestically for goods, services, and imports. Add in a historic drought and BOOM! Food prices will be spiking this spring, in some areas as high as 20%. The last time food prices spiked that high was in Egypt in 2010. Arab Spring ensued shortly thereafter. Japan's economy is about to implode again, since they tried QE twenty years ago during the 'Lost Decade'. Outside of trendy haircuts and Smartphones, they're still pretty lost. In fact they may be worse off than us, since they are heavily invested in the two most toxic currencies on earth right now - The USD and the Euro. So forget Japan investing with us anymore. Speaking of the Euro, unemployment is 12% in the Eurozone, they have a monthly crisis on how to secure bailouts for PIIGS (Portugal, Italy, Ireland, Greece, and Spain). Rumors are circulating that the German and French public are tired of bailing out these loser countries. Greece and Spain may get kicked out of the Euro, and Germany may quit the currency! Think Leslie Chow in The Hangover - "So long, gayboyyyys." No one's touching the Euro with a 30 foot pole. Expect continued civil unrest and high unemployment. Greece and Spain are in a Depression, by the way.

As if that's not bad enough, our zero interest rate policy keeps getting extended, and as of right now looks like in early 2015 Ben Bernanke will goose it back up again to build up demand for the dollar. Except there's one problem - it will add to our budget deficit since we'll be paying more interest on the debt. By 2015, our budget deficit will be over $18 trillion. More of your tax dollars will start to go towards paying down f'ing interest to China. Makes me not want to work hard. It's like the movie Speed - if we go less than 50 MPH we die. Catch-22. So what do we do to avoid this?

Buy gold and silver. Gold is up 600% since 2002 and Silver is up 500% in a similar time period. There are Cash For Gold stores everywhere. I'm not a Registered Investment Advisor so can't give concrete advice, but listen you self-consumed goons - 1) Stock market ain't going much higher 2) Bond market bubble is about to pop 3) Inflation is about to go through the roof 4) Precious Metals are a safe haven in crises 5) Silver has high industrial use and is in a lot of electronic products, so its necessary going forward 6) China, Russia, Germany, George Soros, John Paulson (hedge fund billionaire), and every globalist on earth are hoarding gold. I don't even think the NY Fed nor Fort Knox physically have the gold in their vaults anymore (thus the wars in Iraq and Libya to replenish the gold, but that's for another day). Silver is currently being manipulated by outsized futures put options by JP Morgan. Once these assholes get cornered, the gig will be up and silver explodes. Buy now when its at $30 and wait till the dollar collapses. You'll be happy you did.

One final thought - no one knows when the dollar will die, but it WILL die. The BRIC nations  (Brazil, Russia, India, China) are already preparing an alternative currencies when shit hits the fan. 'Special Drawing Rights' (SDR's) may be created that use a basket of currency and allocate a specific value to the investor. Eventually, this will lead to a global currency run by a global bank and administrated by a global government. Part of the plan all along. The global economy is about to collapse. 2008 was a crisis. 2013+ will be an implosion. But only weirdos believe that, right? More to come in future posts......

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Never Trust a Pixie Cut

Here is my first official blog post for Trousered Apes. Starting off Rated G. Enjoy!

It deals with a trend that goes in and out of style and leaves disappointed, flaccid men in its wake - the Pixie Cut. For those of you who live under a rock, 1) maybe its time to find a real job with your useless college major that your parents wasted their money on and stop living under a rock, and 2) a Pixie Cut is whenever a girl goes to the hair stylist and basically says, "Cut off my pretty hair and make me look like Lloyd Christmas."

Now let me make this VERY clear - this post is not to make light of anyone actually going through a medical treatment that results in hair loss/regrowth. You're exempt. I'm going after those that make a conscious effort to look trendy and stylish and specifically ask their tranny stylist Sven to lop off their hair and make them look like a pre-pubescent ten year old boy. I'm here to say that no man will ever utter the words, "Honey, you look so much sexier" because that would make him a fat, balding liar. "Yeah, well look in the mirror, buddy, you're nothing to write home about." I can say that because I have power alleys and an emerging bald spot the size of a tennis ball, so shut your mouth (this is what I would say aloud if you....nevermind). Guys need you to have long, pretty hair that they can smell like a weirdo when they think you're not looking. Getting a whiffle because you feel liberated from your predetermined gender roles is not a turn-on. Don't get a pixie cut. Ever.

The leading Pixie Cut advocates are Ellen Degeneres, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Hermione Watson. For some reason they think its appropriate to cut off all of their hair, thinking others will be attracted to it. Well guess what, they're dead wrong. A recent study from the London School of Design has shown that erections subside faster when viewing pictures of pixie cuts than they do when a picture of Rosie O'Donnell dancing on a table is shown. They flat out don't work. But why do women keep getting them?

Some say its because it makes their head feel lighter, its chic and hip, and it's less to manage each day when you get out of the shower. Whatever. If you can deal with monthly periods and nine months of pregnancy, you can deal with long hair. Stop complaining and grow that shit out.

Some history here - Rihanna got a bob/mini pixie in 2009 and Chris Brown proceeded to beat the shit out of her and bite her legs because the sight was so abhorrent (just kidding.....she apparently likes getting beaten because they're dating again). Kate Gosselin combined a pixie cut with an NBC Peacock in the back and Crispin Glover comeover in the front (which is why her husband left her, not the 8 kids part) and she finally got hip to the game, grew it out and magically has dates now. Michelle Williams got a pixie cut and Heath Ledger friggin OD'd because he'd rather be dead than deal with looking at Draco Malfoy every morning. Victoria Beckham got a pixie cut and instantly developed an inability to smile/have a discernible personality AND was cursed with having three boys (didnt have a girl till she grew it out a little). Miley Cyrus got a pixie cut and will probably wind up pregnant with Gale Hawthorne's baby in the next two months. Actions have consequences.

I could go on all day about the pitfalls of pixie cuts but I leave you with this simple, warning - if you're thinking of jazzing up your hair, please consider a Fran Drescher perm or Grace Jones flat top before opting for a pixie cut. Your partner will thank you.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Introduction to Blog

Hi Everybody (read: my wife and two other people)!!! This is the blog that about seven of you asked for since I joined Facebook in 2007. Not sure where the need to start a blog came from, since I generally find them to be for the self-consumed and from what I've seen of those without a purpose, they're boring, unfunny, and feature reviews of their days (so basically, about 7 billion other people had a 'day' too, but for some reason your's was more important). But whatever, they're fun and they give people a forum to vent and share details about their life. So shut up.

I was trying to dream up a name for this blog for a long time, but 'Cranky/Angry/Frustrated Suburban Dad' was taken by too many inactive users. I stumbled upon the phrase 'Trousered Apes' somehow, which was the name of a 1971 book by Duncan Williams. I didn't read it, I don't care to read it, but the name is wildly amusing. Picture apes wearing slacks/trousers/dungarees. It's funny. A couple other fellow bloggers had many variations, so I went with '' because that's what was available. Deal with it.

What is a 'Trousered Ape' you ask? Again, I didn't read the stupid book, I ganked the phrase. To me, it's someone with an intelligence level slightly above that of a simeon. Someone prone to monkey-like goofiness, hijinx, stupidity and other foolish behavior. More importantly, I think it speaks to what we as Americans have become over the past ten years - our obsession with iPhones, materialism, indifference, texting, jeggings, black-rimmed glasses, the Kardashian family, Dancing With The Stars, etc. You name it - we have the attention span of a camel. We have become slightly more intelligent than an ape. I will cast a spotlight on the apes among us who are mentally disengaged and foolish in hopes of smoking them out of their habitat for good.

To those who know me, I am a family man with a wonderful wife and three adorable kids. I'm a devout Catholic who was a lifelong Republican before becoming a Libertarian on January 1st, 2013. I work at a prominent Pharmaceutical company, studied Finance in grad school and am deeply interested in the global financial markets, the daily theater of politics of Washington.....and Bible Prophecy. I've been into eschatology ('study of end times') since 1996. It's been a long road, but we are finally to a point in human history when the writings of Old Testament prophets Isaiah, Ezekial, Daniel as well as Revelation are starting to come into full view and are relevant to today's headlines (I just lost two readers after this paragraph).

How is my blog different than the other billion blogs? I combine 1) Weekly analysis of ape-like behavior in communuties among us with 2) Overview of economic and market trends with 3) How this relates to The End of the World As We Know It. Let's be clear - I don't claim to be smarter than you. I don't claim to be cooler than you. I don't claim to have an inside scoop. But I am more engaged in the day to day machinations of the Globalist/New World Order/Illuminati plan to enslave us and turn us into servants for their agenda than you are. BOOM! You weren't expecting that curveball were you? Yeah, you live off your iPhone, watch stupid programs on TV to get you nice and jelly-brained. Don't worry, I'm doing the research for you. You'll get the heads up from me before shit gets real. That's the small reward you get for reading my blog.

One last warning - if you're friends with me on Facebook, you know that I like to stir the pot. Half the stuff I post is just to get a rise out of people. If you are easily offended, please stay away from this blog. I can't stand people who get worked up easily and start bitching about me being 'ignorant, racist, sexist, etc'. I hate everyone equally. I ask for daily forgiveness from the Lord for my disdain of humanity, so understand I'm a work in progress. As I said earlier, I was a Republican for my whole life until this year, so I won't hesitate to make fun of them from time to time. Liberals are Public Enemy #1. They are ruining what's left of this dying empire we call the United States of America. In the coming months/years, we will be taking a dark turn into 3rd World status, and I will be on the front lines saying 'told ya so, bitches.' Expect doom and gloom blogs, warnings of what's to come, and some interesting stories of what your fellow species has been doing at the local Wal-Mart. As Bobby Knight once said, "If rape is inevitable, sit back and enjoy it."

I look forward to the journey we take together, and I promise to be the most sarcastic wiseass on Planet Earth as we move foreward. Enjoy the blog and please let me know what I can do to improve it. God bless.