Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Syria Is The Gateway Drug To World War III

Well, as predicted and written about ad-nauseum, we are finally on the doorstep of war in Syria. [thousands of jowly Americans race to a map to locate this 'Syria' place they speak of]. Here's what I wrote back in January:

"Syrian chemical weapons WILL be used in 2013. Reports are starting to trickle out that victims are showing signs of poisonous gas in their lungs. No matter who deploys these weapons, it will be blamed on Assad’s government. We continue to fund these rebels (‘Al Qaeda’), and yes, these are the WMD’s that were moved from Iraq in 2002 before the war. Obama will use Syrian chemical weapons usage as a pretext to invade Syria."

Not a pat on the back, but merely tip of the hat to the Alternative Media websites exposing these attacks. Don't follow CNN MSNBC ABC NBC CBS NYT WashPost NPR, but don't completely trust Fox News and conservative talk radio either. They don't 'get it'. They are paid shills for the two party system of losers with 11% approval ratings and the Democrat/Republican paradigm of never making our country better. To anyone that disagrees, fine - go trust the government that never does shit for you and lies everytime its lips move. Then put your head back in the sand.

Last week's chemical weapons attack on Syrian civilians last week has already been linked to the US-supported rebels. UN Weapons Inspectors were in various parts of Syria 48 hours ahead of the attack. Pretttttty sure the Assad government wouldn't be dumb enough to set these things off right under their noses. The rebels were losing the battle and needed a boost from the US, so, like good muslim savages, they kill innocent people and point fingers to someone else. Kinda like US foreign policy since 2001. We have been waiting for a 'trigger event' for 30 months (100k dead), and FINALLY got one last week. This means we can go ahead and invade Syria, just like we invaded Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and, through well-funded uprisings, Egypt. Destroy Syria, then move on to Iran. If this were Mortal Kombat, Syria would be Goro, and Iran is Shang Tsung.  

It's also part of the public record that Benghazi was a gun-running operation and that we are arming Al Qaeda in Libya/Syria. Not gonna beat that dead horse. If you can't open your mind and read up on those stories, you are a stupid American and deserve to be thrown in a FEMA camp. Warning - it'll be crowded there. So tonight's post (24-48 hours before the initial missile strike) will deal with the carnage in the Middle East and the impacts here at home. Enjoy.

Initial Attack on Syrian Weapons Depots - Late August/Early September 2013

Obama shakes the sand out of his vagina and lobs a few missiles into Syrian territory, targeted and surgical strikes that are aimed at facilities rumored to be housing chemical weapons. Assad administration has been abundantly clear that they have used no chemical weapons (yes, they could also be lying). Obama will sidestep Congressional approval (this will be an act of war, but the rules don't apply to this guy because he's cool, black, and talks pretty). FYI - this is a proxy war against Iran, Russia, and China. They don't like us, Russia and China have the gold, and they have a trump card in their back pocket called a return to the gold standard. They bide their time like Edmund Dantes, serving up their cold dish of revenge on Danglars in 'The Count of Monte Cristo'. Russia never died the cold death we thought they did. And China is just as patient. They have hoarded gold for the past fifteen years and waited for the right time to strike at America. An attack on Syria will do just that. Allow me to explain.

An attack on Syria will forestall any expansion of Russian natural energy plans to the rest of Europe. Russia already equals Saudi Arabia in terms of production. We stop them dead in their tracks and install an anti-commerce Muslim Brotherhood replacement in Syria (cause it worked so fucking well in Egypt). Assad, a key ally to Russia, will be removed and they will lose out on billions of oil/natural gas revenues. Now, I'm not a 'war for oil' guy (never have been), but this is how Russia will perceive the proxy war with Syria. They have a HUGE vested interest in how this plays out. They have armed the Syrian government accordingly, and right behind Russia stands the 200 million man army of China. East of China is North Korea. They are salivating at the idea of the United States poking a cage full of rabid dogs. Then there's Iran and their nuclear ambitions. They've already funneled terrorists into the Gaza Strip, Syria, Libya, Iraq, and Afghanistan. They have a new President ready to make a splash. They have a hard-on for America's demise.

So What Does An Attack On Syria Lead To?

Four US warships are in the Mediterranean Sea ready to launch their missile strikes. Obama will pull a Bill Clinton, launch a limp-wristed air attack and turn around to leave. Except Syria will take the blow and fight back, likely hitting Israel (90% chance), or neighboring peaceful Jordan (40% chance). It'll start as border skirmishes and bombings, and gradually move inland to Tel Aviv and Amman. Israel has just announced it will fight Syria back. Remember Isiaiah 17:1:

“See, Damascus will no longer be a city but will become a heap of ruins." What if a dirty nuke bomb goes off here? These rebels are pretty wily people. These are the same people eating the hearts of the Syrian army, pushing people off buildings, and executing teenagers to send a message.

Iran has promised carnage if we attack Syria. They also hate Israel. Russia will continue to arm Syria, but now Iran is involved. Our military is stretched thin and Obama being the peacenik he is has made sure he's cut down our weapon arsenal. Regional conflict ensues, the flaccid United Nations steps in to halt the chaos and gets summarily ignored because they're about as effective as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. So glad we spend $1 billion in annual dues to these needledicks. This will be worse than Iraq and Afghanistan because no other countries would come to their aid ten years ago. Unfortunately, Russia and China have quietly built up their gravitas and are a hell of a lot stronger than they used to be. Who cares if Russia is in disarray? So are we! We still have the best military in the world, and Russia and China know this. They can't beat us with power and might, so they will resort to another method - economic warfare.

 Your Way Of Life Will Change In The Coming Months

September/October are typically the months of economic collapses. Our treasury yield is up from 1.7% six months ago to about 2.8% today (and thats AFTER hitting 2.9% last week). Its now costing us more to service our debt. Demand for the dollar as the reserve currency is dwindling rapidly. Japan is in an Economic Fukushima right now, and their economy has gone radioactivvvvve radioactivvvvvve. Guess who our biggest investor behind the Federal Reserve is? China. Guess who has tens of thousands of tons of gold? China and Russia. Guess who has the Bank of International Settlements ready to no longer accept the petrodollar as the only oil currency? China and Russia. One false move and we are toast. We're gonna make that move in Syria, and it's going to cost us dearly.

It's bad enough that the Fed has us addicted to QE like its monetary crack. They will be announcing in mid-September the gradual tapering of QE from $85b a month to about $70b, with a complete stoppage in June 2014. As I've written, each taper rumor sends the markets reeling. You thought 2008 was bad? This is going to be worse. Countries usually launch wars to rejuvenate their economies. This is no different. Except our economy is on life support. And just when we thought we were turning the corner, winning the war in Syria, China and Russia will announce that they are no longer doing business with the United States. China liquidates $1 trillion of treasuries, the yield on the 10-Year T-bond goes past 3.5%....then to 4%, then to 5% and beyond. This wasn't a big deal when our debt was smaller ten years ago, but at $17 trillion, each uptick is like a kick in the balls. As the US markets go into a tailspin, the Euro crisis rears its ugly head and enters a deeper depression. Germany says FU to its neighbors' outstretched hands for bailout money, and Deutsche Bank goes belly-up, Lehman Bros style. New crisis begins in Europe/USA, while we are also involved in a regional war in the Middle East.

Don't forget about the spike in oil. We were 'bailed out' last time by an economic crisis, which brought a barrel of oil as high as $144. This time we won't be so lucky, because every missile that gets shot at Syria gooses up the price of oil. You will be paying $5/gallon pretty soon after the war expands. But look on the bright side - gold and silver have regained much from the Springtime/early Summer smackdown. They are a flight to safety and will exponentially increase in value as the dollar gets sodomized by the BRICSA nations.
Outgoing Department of Homeland Security director Janet Napolitano has said she fears a massive cyber attack very soon. Which explains the 1.6 billion bullets, tanks, Humvees, arming of various government agencies with ammo, the bullet shortage, the general gun grab that is trying to be forced on the American sheeple, and the multitude of Russian/Chinese soldiers already here (100,000+) who will gladly take over when national unrest begins when the market melts down and the EBT cards stop working. Cities first then residential areas. Think Red Dawn scenario. America's police force are patriots first, so don't expect then to go along with this. Numerous reports across the nation detail a gradual federalization of police forces, and people in the know are rightfully nervous.

So that's the storyline. Hope to hell I'm wrong. Will gladly take shit from people if none of these scenarios play out. As I said before, great year for the tinfoil-hat crowd. Bring it.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Who REALLY Runs The World? (No, It's Not The USSA) - Part I (Early Origins)

One quick item about a 'cross-promotional' message I wanted to convey. My blog is starting to get off the ground (in my book at least). It's approaching 3,000 views (which is 2900 more than I EVER thought it would receive), with unique readership even outside of Facebook where most of the word of mouth travels. Reason I say this is that my buddy Ben and I are cross-promoting my blog and his podcast for maximum viewership/readership (so instead of 3 readers/listeners, we will maximize and pool our efforts to ensure FIVE people read/listen). He is one half of the Devil's Advocates (with his buddy Josh) and their site is advertised on the top right of my blog. Check it out, as they have weekly podcasts that are actually quite humerous. Link below in case you are a buffoon and can't locate 'the top right of my blog'.

They landed a freaking PORN STAR on their show for Tuesday, August 20th who also happens to write for The Daily Beast (Aurora Snow), and they have over 800 followers on Facebook. Marital vows prevent me from viewing her work, but word on the street is that she's well-groomed and into face-sitting. Oh, and the show is wildly offensive, but the website is great too. Ben was one of my roommates in college and a good friend - he is an artist (heterosexual though, so as rare as a 'black republican' and/or unicorn), musician (I've listened to his stuff, quite talented. I recall making him play WWE entrance themes on guitar on the Quad at Fairfield University. He put out an album ten years ago and now has his music on iTunes. Check it out). The last episode talked about one of God's greatest inventions - the human vagina. Worth listening to.

But let's move on to more diabolical issues. Like who runs the world. Hint - it's not Barack Hussein Soetero Obama. It's not the Bush family (ok maybe that's partially true). It's not the Clintons. It's not David Cameron. It's not Angela Merkiel, nor is it Vladimir Putin or the various Middle Eastern monarchies. The real movers on planet earth exist behind the scenes, drawn from centuries of family wealth, daft political maneuvering, and an unprecedented patience that their worldview will be eventually achieved. This post gives you the Cliff's Notes version (and may be a little lengthy - deal with it if you want to be informed).


I. The Freemasons

The earliest form of 'secret society knowledge dates back to three thousand years ago, in the form of King Solomon's Temple from about 832 BC. Those that constructed the temple were adept stonemasons building with the sole purpose of honoring Yahweh, but also to purportedly house the Ark of the Covenant. The Tabernacle of the 'Holy of Holies' (inner sanctum of temple) is where the indwelt divine presence of God resides (known as the 'Shekinah'). King Solomon and his leaders built the temple in accordance with the constellations and followed strict protocol to align the blueprint with the nighttime patterns of the day. In so doing, a secret brotherhood came about, in which those 'exposed to the Shekinah presence' came upon knowledge of human origins, which would be passed down from generation to generation. The temple was destroyed in about 422 BC, but the secrets lived on through the Freemasons throughout the centuries. Freemasons exist to this day, and their notorious 33 degree rankings still persist. You see them in just about every town and their logo is infamous:

Their membership is based on the belief in a higher power - the 'Grand Architect of the Universe.' They don't believe in a Christian God, a Jewish God, or a Muslim God. Strictly spiritual and non-religious.  Freemasons exist in the highest eschelons of corporations, international banks, central banks, and government. High level stuff here, and I'm not going to get into the history of the Freemasons, because it will bore you to death and distract from my main premise of building awareness for the current globalist power structure. Maybe some other post when I'm out of relevant topics to discuss. But basic context has been established. Read up on former 33 degree Freemason Manly Hall who has revealed some of their secrets in his multiple, critically-acclaimed works. Interesting and scary stuff. They've infiltrated EVERYTHING it seems, and the lower ranking members don't know shit about what they have signed on for. That's by design. But again, that's for another day.

Prove it, asshole. Ok fine. Here's a (partial) list of past and present Freemasons. The true list is longer than the Affordable Care Act.

- Benjamin Franklin
- George Washington
- Winston Churchill
- Teddy Roosevelt and FDR
- Most US Presidents
- Steve Wosniak
- Henry Ford
- Walt Disney
- Basically every Founding Father
- Basically every inner circle CIA/FBI/government director
- Not on this list are Ronald Reagan and JFK, the last two Presidents to have bullets shot in their direction.

A basic list below:

Some basic spelunking the internet (where everything is true, duhhh) will fill you in on the rest. But they are everywhere.

II. The Vatican

As a Roman Catholic I have no problem with the way the Catholic Church is treated as the religious whipping-boy institution. I ain't changing branches of Christianity, but based on their checkered, secretive and downright deplorable past (in some situations), they deserve the criticism they get, and I'm not going to...'bear their cross' and carry their water. I do take umbrage at the undeserved anger regarding what is included in the New Testament of the Bible. A good researcher likes to triage their information with second and third sources. The Council of Nicea tried to do that, and if books of the Bible were written a century after the more popular works, yet contradicted the earlier texts, they were rightfully excluded for inclusion. This of course got people thinking, 'What are you people hiding? Jesus had kids and never got crucified! Mary Magdalene was his wife and they lived in France but traveled to India'. All bullshit. It's like if 100 years after Julius Caesar, someone came out with an unvalidated story about him having a secret lovechild and never really getting stabbed to death by Brutus, but that he really traveled the fjords of Iceland and died a natural death. You'd rightfully say 'hey that doesn't really jive with the fully vetted prior history books, let's exclude this from our write-up.' So those issues with the Catholic Church need to be let go. However, the looming presence of the Vatican over the past two millenia is cause for concern. I believe they have been infiltrated by the Freemasons and play an inappropriate role in today's affairs. Here's why.

The Catholic Church has accumulated hundreds of tons of gold over the past fifteen centuries, merged religion and government together numerous times during the past fifteen hundred years, conducted a religious Crusade in the middle ages in conjunction with the Freemasons but ultimately turning on the sub-sect known as the Knights Templar, and routinely find themselves on the wrong side of history (see World War II, rise of Hitler). The main driver behind this is the fact that the Freemasons infiltrated the Vatican decades ago in the form of the near-militant group, Opus Dei (chronicled in 'DaVinci Code', albeit unfairly), as well as the Jesuit order, which is the crazy drunk uncle of the Catholic family (I can say that since I went to a Jesuit college. Still like them though, even if they are a bunch of globalists). It was started by Ignatius Loyola in 1540, through the approval of then Pope Pius III. There is a prevailing thought that the 'white pope' (the traditional Catholic pope chosen through a conclave) takes orders from the 'black pope' (the Jesuit general - ie leader of the Jesuit order. These guys are rumored to have written the 'Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion', which formed the basis of Hitler's motivation and quest for power. There are upwards of 80 Jesuit 'provincials' across the world that form 'agitations to advance a political agenda. They have a ton of political sway, and roll up to the Vatican the way the Tea Party rolls up to the Republican Party. Their ultimate goal is complete infiltration of the Vatican in the form of a Jesuit Pope and the rebuilding of King Solomon's Temple in Jerusalem.

Prove it, asshole. That's easy. In March 2013, their dream came true. Jorge Maria Bergoglio, also known as Pope Francis I, became the first JESUIT Pope. I've already written a post on the Prophecy of St. Malachi and how Pope Francis is the much-anticipated 'Petrus Romanus' ('Peter The Roman', the 112th and final Pope according to the 12th century prophet). He will lead the Catholic Church during the Tribulation. Not sure how he will turn out, but he already has an Obama-esque following within the Church, and is being looked at to lead the transition to a progressive, all-inclusive Catholic worldview that seeks to break down barriers with other religions and lifestyles. He could also embrace alien disclosure at this point. Stay tuned to see how this plays out, since he's been turning heads already, and it's only been five months!
Rumors also persist that JFK was taken out for two primary reasons - opposition to a proposed Vietnam war, and the CIA. Vietnam was on the globalist and Jesuit agenda - they had millions of Buddhists who were deemed 'inconvertible' and their needed to be a Catholic presence in that section of the world. Despite being a Catholic, JFK was fundamentally against secret societies and foreign adventures. See infamous speech below (he was taken out shortly thereafter):

Finally, if you blinked you may have missed the pontificate of Pope John Paul I, the predecessor to Pope John Paul II. He lasted a whole of 33 days (Masonic code). The higher levels of the Vatican/Jesuits took him out because he was investigating the ongoing fraud at the Vatican bank. Banker Roberto Calvi was found hanging under a bridge with Freemason artifacts in his pockets to send a message. John Paul I died under mysterious circumstances in the immediate aftermath of his request for an investigation. Is this sketchy enough? This is the same Vatican that 'relocates' pedophile priests. Folks, pedophilic sex rings are of the devil and linked to Luciferian rituals. Same with the Penn State scandal. High levels of wealthy, affluent individuals with political clout are running these prostitution rings. The Vatican is never going to change, and if a Pope wants it to change, they get killed. Let me know when you want me to stop.

III. The Illuminati

Many have heard of the infamous 'Illuminati' or the movement behind the New World Order for one world government, one world currency, one world religion warned of in the Bible. While the 'Illuminati' existed three hundred years ago, they don't ostensibly go by the name 'Illuminati' anymore, they simply are the hidden rulers outside of the public view. You aren't going to read about them in your history books. You aren't going to talk about them in your history class. But like an unseen breeze, their presence is felt and truly exists. The official 'Illuminati' were formed in May of 1776 (hmmmm veddy intewesting year) by Jesuit-trained Adam Weishaupt as a modern adaptation of Freemasonry. From wikipedia - "The Illuminati's members took a vow of secrecy and pledged obedience to their superiors. Members were divided into three main classes, each with several degrees, and many Illuminati chapters drew membership from existing Masonic lodges.The goals of the organization included trying to eliminate superstition, prejudice, and the Roman Catholic Church's domination over government, philosophy, and science; trying to reduce oppressive state abuses of power, and trying to support the education and treatment of women as intellectual equals."

In the year 2013, as mentioned earlier, the Illuminati don't need to consolidate under the umbrella in order to be recognized as a legitimate force in the New World Order scheme. They own every form of media, energy, telecommunications, lobbyist group, and more. They pull the strings for the highest branches of government, including the CIA, FBI, and Federal Reserve. They drive the global agenda. They planned 9/11. They plan the world wars and finance both sides. They rooted for the Allies, but they also rooted for the Nazis. They care not for the well-being of the global population, but rather to preserve their status for generations and engage in any form of mass manipulation and population control. They plan the breakdown of society, the dissolution of the family, the public trashing of any belief in a higher power, the collective brainwashing of citizens through zombie mobile devices, trashy Hollywood celebrities, subliminal music and movies, and reality TV shows that add no value to society. So they don't ostensibly call themselves 'the Illuminati' but they exist.

Prove it, asshole. Ok. The consolidation of media and banking institutions over the past 30 years has left power in the hands of relatively few corporations. Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan, Citigroup, and Bank of America are the big banking games in town. Disney, TimeWarner, Viacom, News Corp control the news media. Apple, Google and Microsoft control technology. Henry Kissinger (former Secretary of State under Nixon) continues to advise behind the scenes to each living president. Former Carter NSA head Zbigniew Brzezinski continues to advise behind the scenes to each living president. Billionaire George Soros, who made his billions crashing national currencies, throws hundreds of millions of dollars to advance secular, progressive causes aimed at fundamentally changing society. Full disclosure - I voted for George W. Bush twice. Just so you know, the Bush family is knee-deep in Skull & Bones and other secret societies, and were groomed early on in the game to become top politicians. Prescott Bush was a Nazi apologist and donor to the Nazi party who helped his globalist friends fund the rise of Hitler.

IV. The Royal Families

The non-corporation/government powerbrokers have come from generations of financial royalty. We all know the Rockefeller family, who made their billions (trillions really) through Standard Oil. They were pre-dated by the Rothschilds, the Austrian family who, under Mayer Amschel Rothschild, gained prominance and notoriety through the basic establishment of international finance and banking. They are estimated to be worth half a quadrillion dollars. They are joined by the Morgan family (descendents of JP Morgan, famous banker who helped set up the Federal Reserve from a Jekyll Island meeting over 100 years ago). The Warburg banking family of the 19th century (Paul Warburg was the architect of the Federal Reserve scheme). The Carnegie family of Carnegie Steel fame. The Royal Family (the Queen of England and her spawn are worth an estimated $500 billion.

They fund universities, they fund educational programs, they fund wars, they fund media campaigns to influence public opinion, they own the Federal Reserve, they own and run the military industrial complex, they benefit financially during wars, they lose money during peace, they crash currencies, they hoard hundreds of tons of gold, they don't pay significant taxes, they don't go to jail, they know about events before they happen because they probably planned them. These are the people behind the scenes who rule the world. But that's just the first part. In my second piece, I will go through the current structures and global front groups that will take us to World War III.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Top Secret Plans For My Wake and Funeral - Hint...It Will Be.......Funny?

I was driving our youngest to bed this evening and passed by a funeral home. This got me thinking - how do I plan to go out? What kind of arrangements will I need to make? Will tears be shed? Where will I be buried? So much to sort through!!!!

Here's the deal - I'm healthy, happily married for almost a decade to a beautiful wife, have three wonderful children, a good job, a house, upward mobility, an MBA, great family and friends, and a 100% uncompromising belief in the afterlife as a devout Christian. That being said, this is not some pre-cursor to my demise that somehow goes viral and the authorities have to track down loved ones for information. 'Yeah he wrote this really weird blog post before he died.' Nope, not this guy. I'll either go out fifty years from now from natural causes, five years from now from a massive heart attack, or I will be offed like Andrew Breitbart or Michael Hastings for exposing our corrupt government. I have no plans to exit planet earth any time soon. I go when God wants me to go. Some of you are probably thinking, 'Well, I hope He gives you AIDS soon cause you are a real asshole. At least make him menstruate once a month.' Listen, if I make fun of everything else, the least I can do is make fun of my own death, so let me roll with this. Here are the arrangements, I hope my wife Colleen is taking notes.

Event #1A - The Wake

My wife and I have joked about funny ways to go and the things that would happen at our respective wakes. This is kind of like a living will, in blog form. Ok - funeral home needs to have a partition around the coffin, almost like a plastic sound-proof room. The people line up normal style (assuming people actually want to pay their respects, which I don't blame them if they decide to skip and go play Powerball instead). The Undertaker's creepy WWE entrance theme plays on repeat, setting the tone that this is going to be one sad event.

People cry, blow snots into hankerchiefs, and reminisce about...what exactly? I probably pissed off everybody in the room multiple times and they are there to pretend they liked me. Whatever. Psychics contend that most spirits actually attend their wakes before walking through the final death portal. I will be there AND taking notes assholes. You BETTER not be speaking bad about me. Of course, how can I blame you after what happens next?

Event #1B - The Viewing

The viewer then makes their way out of the parlor to the enclosed plexiglass viewing area. Cover charge of $5 will be given to the midget bouncer, with proceeds going directly to Alex Jones' Infowars website to help fight the New World Order and the globalist agenda. The mood slightly changes though. Blaring from a 1993 CD player (again, on repeat), is the 2000 smash hit from SoulDecision - 'Faded' (one of my favorite songs from college):

The visitors start to jive a little. 'I'm kinda glad he's dead, this is a pretty original experience.' Assuming my body is intact, it will be open casket. With a twist. My ugly mug will be there, with special instructions to prop my eyelids open. Find an eye speculum or something, either way it needs to be done. Lights on but nobody's home. I've already gone home to Christ at that point, so what happens to my balding, weird postured earthly body doesn't mean jack squat to me anymore. Let them be spooked out of their mind when they see me. Oh yeah, three more things. A device will be put underneath the casket that releases sulfuric smells, which triggers an automatic fart noise to be cued up every twenty seconds. Corpses can fart when they're dead. Google that shit. The casket will be open at the head and then.....south of the border. Aaaaaand I'll be naked. Yes, genius - the casket will open around my crotch and the first thing you will see is a fresh from the slab naked Armenian corpse. Sight for sore eyes. Vomiting may ensue. Shrieks of terror. Tears of disgust. Dry heaving. Fainting perhaps when they see the immense size. Ok now we're getting gross. But you can 'run tell dat' - double casket openings, naked body. Book it.

Event #2 - The Funeral

I want a really quick funeral. Catholic and Armenian funerals tend to drag. I want this to be fifteen minutes. I want my coffin to be treated like a bobsled, pushed by some oversized local weightlifters down the church aisle, and then olympic curlers start buffing the floor as the coffin slides into place in front of the altar. A couple friends and family members tell some funny stories, the kids can tell everyone all of the weird shit I would talk about with Mommy, and then the priest would tell a couple racist jokes, pick his nose, adjust his groin, belch periodically, and then spill a Sam Adams beer over my coffin, while everybody cheers wildly. 'Is it weird that I'm kind of enjoying this?' say a few of the mourners. Don't worry, it gets better.

Event #3 - The Celebration Dinner

We'll hopefully rent out a beach house in Duxbury, MA where I was raised to celebrate my death. Beer pong, cage dancers dressed like Legolas from Lord of the Rings, chilled monkey brains, truffle fries/truffle rice balls and a roasting boar on a spit. Jack Johnson playing in the background while people wakeboard during low tide. Confession - I have a chronic FOMO - 'Fear Of Missing Out'. If people are having fun, I need to be there. I guess it stems from having kids young. Whatever. I've been the mayor at all four companies I've worked for. I'm a freaking social butterfly. And I need to be there. Even in death. So put some clothes on me and string some fishing line through my appendages so I can move person to person like a dead Bernie and mingle. Make my dead mouth pretend to talk in my nasally voice. "Mehhhhhh global collapse mehhhhh new world order mehhhhhhh precious metals mehhhh I'm 32, dead and still watch professional wrestling." Make me dance around like a damn marionette. Again, lights on but nobody home. I'll be in spirit form giggling my nuts off. At this point, no one should be crying, there should be lots of laughter, drunken revelry, and hopefully some people making out in the bushes. 'He really stepped it up - I couldn't ask for a better corpse' a few can be heard mumbling. Everybody goes home happy before the next day's jarring finale.

Event #4 - The Disposal of the Body

Everyone is cranky, tired, and hungover from what was called 'the coolest death celebration party ever'. The last thing they want is an emotional send-off. 'Send-off'' being the operative words. You see, I have arranged in my will for a CATAPULT TO LAUNCH MY FUCKING COFFIN OFF A CLIFF INTO A QUARRY. That's right, we all make the trek up some really high cliff somewhere in the Northeast. We line up, and on the count of three, Colleen presses a button that sends my coffin FLYING two hundred yards and midway through the latch opens and my (back to unclothed) dummy carcass falls out, spread eagle, dick flopping in the wind and drops three football fields and smashes on the rocks below. Don't even bother retrieving it. Let the buzzards pick at my guts. I've paid off the local surgeon to surgically implant alka-seltzer tablets in plastic so that when they eat it and fly off, their stomachs explode and they make the plunge in similar fashion. Hopefully in the process they shit down in my general direction so it looks like some savage mutant shot his load all over my face.  The end. Everybody go back to partying.

So that's how I plan on going out. Be nice to me so my wife invites you to the party of the year!!!!!

Thursday, August 8, 2013

So You Want To Double Minimum Wage At McDonald's? Unintended Consequences, Much?

Various fast-food employees recently made headlines when an SEIU-sponsored national strike resulted in job walkoffs across the country. Their beef? Not getting paid enough. Minimum wage remains $7.25 and these folks want it goosed up to $15. So basically a doubling of their salary because it is not a 'livable' wage. If they don't get it, they strike. Cause if there's one thing unions are good at doing, its encouraging people to not work. Now I'm prepared for the typical liberal, 'my reading comprehension scores are typically low so I just respond with a knee-jerk reaction', but the logic is here if you have the patience.

Now I'm all about people not living in squalor, with syringes all over the floor, cigarette ashes in the microwave, and having your children eat pizza crust out of a dumpster, but what many of these striking people don't realize is that DOUBLING the minimum wage would actually hurt them in the long run. And don't get it twisted - obviously these people are making a statement with this phony $15/hr figure, but even a $1 increase has impacts. Incremental small-scale increases are fine (like a quarter per hour every year), but large-scale jumps have unintended consequences. But what about entering a new tax bracket? You are no longer living below poverty level, so BOOM you get hit with more taxes! Before you get all bleeding heart and emotional, let me lay some truth down for you.

1. McDonald's/Other fast-food joints are not here to make you rich and they sure as hell aren't here to sustain you throughout life.

Much of this controversy came about over the fact that McDonald's recently published a 'proposed budget' for any incoming employees in order to balance their personal finances. 'A' for effort since heaven forbid our school systems teach personal responsibility/finance and most other companies aren't doing this. 'F' for presentation. Take a look at this table:

Notice anything peculiar? THEY LIST A SECOND SOURCE OF INCOME!!!! They are basically saying, "We can't give you a livable wage, you're gonna have to find a second source of income." No shit, Sherlock. If you work at a high school-level minimum brain/minimum wage job, you won't be able to survive on it. That's the reality. Doesn't make McDonald's or Taco Bell evil, it's just the reality. Teachers do the Lord's work and don't get compensated enough for it. As do cops, nurses and firemen. They do a lot more important things than I do in Pharmaceutical Finance. But that's the way the system works. You make that choice when you choose careers. Lots of McDonald's, lots of Taco Bells, lots of teachers, lots of nurses (I'm talking volume here, not quality of job - think scarcity vs non-scarcity). Not as many doctors, not as many lawyers, not as many accountants, not as many chemists, biologists, and finance personnel. It's the way it is. I realize no one is trying to get rich working at fast food joints, but a 'job' is not required to sustain you in every facet of life. It's not in life's expectation list nor the application/job agreement to pay you anything more or less than what is on the dotted line. You sign at your own risk. Don't complain when things don't work out the way you want them to.

2. You probably don't deserve to have your wage doubled.

I don't know about you, but I rarely have a great experience at a fast food restaurant. I get lousy service, unengaged cashiers, wrong orders, uncooked food, forgotten straws, napkins, and plasticware. Why the hell do you think you deserve a pay increase? Do you deserve it? What have you done to make my experience pleasurable? 75% screw-up rate based on the variables just outlined every time I go to a fast food place. I actually ROOT for stupidity at Taco Bell, because 30% of the time I get an extra taco thrown in my bag, not out of compassion for screwed up orders, but BECAUSE they are screwing up the order.

Most of the fast food employees are in the 16-30 range, so the younger end of the spectrum. They don't know shit about working hard, probably are just looking for cigarette money, and have no idea about respectful bedside manner. Instead I get some stiff in goofy Harry Potter glasses and a 2011 Justin Bieber/any asian teenager haircut grunting the words 'have a nice day.' That is not acceptable customer service and it sure as hell doesn't warrant a large wage increase. You are at McDonalds to learn basic blocking and tackling when comes to working. And hopefully it teaches you to work in the private sector where you don't have to deal with the public. I didn't mind working at a pharmacy growing up, but I sure as hell hated some of the dickheads that lumbered into the store. But I sure put on a happy face and made the experience pleasant so they would come back. Began to know them by name too, which you don't see anymore. Long story short, quit your bitchin' - you probably don't deserve a minimum wage increase.

3. There are technological implications. You will be replaced by Wall-E.

Say these boobs get even a 25% wage increase. Let's even it off at $10/hr to be generous. You think McDonald's is going to be happy just goosing up everyone's hourly wage and still get the same shitty work ethic, attitude, and error rate? Of course not. They'll automate you out of job. More R&D will be invested in developing systems that can process your order through a touch-pad. Forget cash transactions - everything will be through a drive-up keypad and card swipe. And fast food restaurants won't gingerly walk to futuristic technology, they will SPRINT because it means less of you striking workers to deal with!!!!! Think about it - error rate decreases, bad attitude gets replaced with no attitude (but no smiles, but who gives a shit about smiles as long as you aren't rude and/or a grunting oaf. Bit o' money up front that ultimately pays off. Supermarkets are hip to the game. Home Depot is hip to the game. Other companies are opening up and expanding the automated checkout options. Humans are expendable.

4. Increased wages = INFLATION

Increased wages are great for those receiving them, but what about the impacts everywhere else? Taco Bell will simply respond to these new demands by charging us more. Goodbye, $1 menu. That now becomes the $2 menu. Your prices just doubled, just like the high school dropout's hourly wage. Combo meals increase 25% to make up for the fact that Mickey D's now needs to pay unreliable adults and their hot zoo garbage work ethic to work the counter and mop the floors. "But....but shouldn't wages increase with inflation?" Yeah, according to the government and Federal Reserve, inflation target is 2%. So add 2% to your hourly wage....thats like 8 cents. But nowhere is it mandated for inflation-pegged hourly wage increases anywhere. That's reasonable at least - to assume annual wage increases consistent with inflation. But private sector jobs don't operate with that mandate. In my ten years in the work force, 3 of them featured no wage increase, and others were simply matching the company-assumed inflation rate. Why should fast food be any different? By the way - you know the 'inflation numbers' are bullshit when your calculated inflation uplift is nowhere near the increasing prices of food/energy/healthcare/car insurance/gas etc. "Oh it's only 2%, it's allllll under control." Yeah, batteries went up 2%. Light bulbs went up 2%. Everything else seems to be skyrocketing. Anyhoo. Increased wages = Inflation. Simply put. You will pay more at McDonald's.

5. Fast food companies will ultimately lay off employees!!!!!

The most important reason I am AGAINST a steep increase to the minimum wage (especially in fast food), is because the long-term impacts are UNEMPLOYMENT for those seeking the increase!!!! Why on earth would McDonald's keep a shift of 10 when they all suck up more revenues with their obnoxious wage increase request? I'd fire four, make the six remaining work their asses off because $15/hr is a lot of money, and the second I got lip from them, I would show them the door, because there are a lot of hungry teenagers/robots out there that could do the job. This would actually be two-fold - food prices would increase (never to decrease - when do they actually decrease?). Wages would be stuck at a high figure. I'd cut staff, deal with longer lines, deal with a slightly more chaotic office, because if wages go even higher than that, I'd have to lay off another employee to stay profitable AND increase prices even more! So now the American public is losing on the deal! Then I just flat out quit. That is what the franchise manager would do. Is that what we want? All because of a skyrocketing hourly wage? Cut the crap, hit the books, and get a second job. Case closed.

Next post will deal with the true leaders of the world.....the globalist banker cartel and the ruling families that set global policy and banking structures to stay in power. Hope you enjoyed today's post.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Shark Week 2013 - Why We Should Root For The Sharks

The first week of August usually means three things - 1) Summer is winding down 2) The Red Sox are about to go into meltdown mode and 3) Shark Week!!!!!! Contrary to popular belief, the format for Shark Week doesn't change year to year, and you basically get the same regurgitated shark drivel year after year. But it's always entertaining, and never fails to disappoint. It's kind of like American Idol auditions - fun watching the losers for the first few episodes, and then you get bored and want to watch something else. Same deal with Shark Week. This post aims to change your perceptions going into Shark Week, one in which you root FOR the sharks as they strike/eat/maim fellow human beings.

I'm a horror movie fan. My wife refers to them as 'sick fuck' movies. I can only watch them after 10:00 when she heads to bed early. Now I'm not one of those people who sees the movie and then gets off on people getting murdered to satisfy some sick fetish. I just like seeing people get what they deserve. Usually the formula is a bunch of teenage jerks go out cruisin’, take a wrong turn, piss off some locals, or flat out planned going to some isolated rustic house that their uncle’s friend owns. Shark Week is not entirely different, as usually the folks who get their body parts bitten off could have been in a safer situation. I take the horror movie approach with shark attacks – the people get what they deserve. Every time, unless it’s a little kid, in which I feel horrible. Here’s a list of the folks that deserve to have a haunch bitten off by a Great White. Feel free to tell me if I left anyone off the list.
Shark Bait #1 - The Surfer

“What’s up duuuuuuude? Just vibin’ bro. Calm seas today, brah. Mad chill waves man, just ridin’ the barrels.” Ahhh the life of a surfer. To have no mortgage, student loans, accountability, or stress. The surfer obviously majored in communications or marine biology in college. They wanted to escape their meddling parents on the east coast and moved to California or Hawaii. Life is peaceful and free of the hustle bustle of Corporate America. Hey, God bless you if you can achieve that inner zen. I’m not knocking you if you can find happiness through the vessel of riding waves the rest of your life. To each his own. Except one problem. Fahkin’ shahhhhks live in that watahhhh. You basically share an office building with predators. I share an office building with sexual predators. Ok maybe surfers have it worse.

But seriously, if you choose to ride waves for a living and ‘get ‘pitted’ and happen to infringe upon the shark’s territory, you deserve to lose a limb or two. The rest of us are sweating bullets wondering when we’re going to get laid off, and you are wearing friggin’ body suits, catching air, and flirting with rejects from ‘The Hills’. You choose to surf during dusk/dawn when sharks are primarily doing their feeding. And you wonder why you're in a world of hurt. I hope a shark bites your dick off. I don’t want to see some wonky-toothed Tiny Tim look-a-like from Australia regaling me with harrowing tales of watching his board get bit in half and getting his meaty guts ripped out. You brought it on yourself for not studying hard in school.

Suggested Shark Attack – 1 to 2 limbs

Shark Bait #2 – Twilight Swimmers

Twilight swimmers are just too cocky for their own good. Swimming is done during the day, everybody knows that. Haven’t you seen Jaws 2? I don’t know what sharks are up to at night, but they don’t sleep and your body parts flopping around in the water and waking all the fish up sure as hell doesn’t help anything. Is it Mission: Critical to swim at night in shark infested waters? Can’t you just swim at your hotel’s pool? Or pull a ‘Girl Next Door’ and skinny-dip in your principal’s pool. But swimming in the ocean at night when lifeguards are off duty? Who’s going to save you, Jason Vorhees? He sticks to lakes, not large bodies of water. You’re on your own, and you are being careless. Once again, you deserve to have your torso float to the shore and get comingled with the flotsam/jetsam/seaweed that comes in with the tide. Always make sure you have other sober people around you. Strength in numbers counts for something. I think. But maybe not. Like Honey Badger, sharks don’t give a fuck.

Suggested Shark Attack – 1 leg eaten

Shark Bait #3 -  Victims that don’t learn their lesson

You all heard about the infamous surfer Bethany Hamilton, who got her arm bitten off by a tiger shark in 2003. Well, as awful as that was, she decided to go BACK into the surfing world, as if to show the sharks that they couldn’t derail her career. But they did. They bit her arm off and her balance isn’t as good. If a colleague bit my arm off, I would probably find work elsewhere in a completely different industry. This bitch went back into surfing competitions. Fool of a Took (ok sorry for the LOTR reference). Why don’t people learn their lessons? I know it’s hip and trendy to confront your fears head on, but if I were to confront a shark that bit my fucking arm off, I would basically admit defeat, bow before them, and throw some chum/minnows at them. They ate a part of my body. I want nothing to do with them or their ilk for the rest of my life, thank you very much. Why do people insist on confronting their victimizer? Do something else. Strip. Go into teaching or become a paralegal. Get an office job. The wayward seas are not for you, cause you tend to lose limbs. We just finished watching some recent shark attack sob stories, and you hear these assholes talk about ‘Ohhh I respect the ocean and especially the sharks. I’m grateful that they spared my family member cause they could have eaten her whole.’ Shut up, you doofus. It’s damn oversized fish with a small brain. It doesn’t have the same feelings that you do. It doesn’t even know what ‘respect’ is. We always treat animals and fish in human terms. They’re not human, that’s why we are at the top of the food chain. People always get shocked when dogs/chimps/snakes rebel and turn on their owners. Get your head out of your ass and exert some control. Stay out of a shark’s wheelhouse. They only warn you once. And by ‘warn’ I mean only bite your arm off.

Suggested Shark Attack – complete consumption. No remains. (except for a chewed up private part floating in the water).

Shark Bait #4 – Dummy Tourists

More often than not, we hear about a careless tourist from China or some dunderheaded parent going out too far to get a errant frisbee that their kid threw. They always need to get the latest photo of a high wave, they always need to lean a little too far over the side of the boat to get a picture of a slimy porpoise, or take a stupid selfie with their hair blowing in the wind while the boat is in motion. They don't perform a cursory due diligence of where they are vacationing, and therefore test Poseidon's patience when they cluelessly swim in an inappropriate shark-infested area. In a perfect world, brainless tourists all go on the same boat and get fed to a school of sharks and a series of random feet and cameras with neckstraps wash up on shore, with an occasional severed head with a dumb/shocked look on its face.

Suggested Shark Attack - nothing but human torso remaining. Just a headless/limbless carcass with nipple rings and a gargoyle tattoo on its back.

Shark Bait #5 – ‘One More Dip Donna’

Everyone just had a great day swimming and playing at the beach and just as everyone is packed up to go home there is always one numskull who has to pipe up “hey guys, I’m just going to hop in for one last dip.” No you’re not. You’re hopping in to your DEATH. Ronald the Shark is just waiting to chew up your guts like gamey meat. Get out of the damn water and go home while you’re still ahead (and intact). Don’t give me this foolish “one last dip” game and blame me when your vagina gets munched off. Unless you want your friends to be playing with your lanky bones as they wash up on shore, get your ass off the beach at the time you planned and don’t look back.
Suggested Shark Attack – don’t care how, but there needs to be nothing but lanky bones remaining. Donna chose poorly.

So those are the folks to look out for during Shark Week. Don't feel bad when they die - they probably deserved it. The sharks own the seas. Humans in swim trunks don't. Remember that, you knuckleheads.