Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Facebook Do's and Don'ts

Before we delve into a Mission: Critical post on Facebook etiquette, I'm still shell-shocked over watching my hometown of Boston all over the news for the Marathon Bombing. Having witnessed family and friends run the event over the years, I can say that it is a wonderful tradition to partake in, as is the annual 11:00am Red Sox game at Fenway Park while the race takes place. So many people come out to celebrate Patriot's Day (a Massachusetts tradition), and Monday's attack has put a black mark on the Boston Marathon for eternity. I'm so sick to my stomach over the 8 year old boy and 29 year old woman (and now the student from China) who died supporting their families in the race. And the countless pictures of blood splattered all over the pavement and a now infamous picture of a man wheeled off the scene with nothing but a leg bone from the knee down. So all we can do is pray (note - having someone in your 'thoughts' doesn't do shit, atheists feel free to disagree), and hope that Obama's version of justice for the perpetrator(s) is more than a tersely worded hate letter.

So instead of dwelling on Monday's tragedy, we need to pick our heads up and stand strong like New York, Atlanta, and Oklahoma City did. I hate how now its a group of cities. But we sure as hell can't be moping around forever, leaving overemotional Facebook statuses and tough-guy pictures of Wally The Green Monster fighting terror. Obligatory 'you messed with the wrong city' memes. WTF does that even mean? Will the John Hancock and Prudential buildings suddenly sprout arms and legs and start kicking the shit out of [ethnicity of undisclosed suspect - either a muslim or a right wing extremist, liberals hoping for the latter]? Will some drunks in Southie form militias and seek out street justice? No, they won't. The best revenge is acting like business as usual. Stephen Colbert said it best:

Support the Bruins, Celtics, and 1st place Red Sox (damn, THAT feels good to say!). Visit this beautiful city, the various waterfronts, the business district, Faneuil Hall, and any of the other countless glorious attractions that Boston has to offer. Stay the hell away from Downtown Crossing though. Hear me out - we can't have unattended sporting events, empty malls, vacant skyscrapers and dead movie theaters. We need to giggle at stupidity like we did on April 14th. I'll try my best to bring it. May God comfort those that were effected by this and bring the evildoer(s) under His eternal judgment. Now, back to being a dick.

In case you aren't regularly on it cause you're a boring stiff, Facebook is a place where people's lives are front and center. Every bowel movement, meal, sexcapade, party, and contraction are shared with the wider community as a means of attracting attention to oneself. Here's a list of some of the items I'd avoid going forward. BTW - these lists are all over the internet, I'm not breaking any new ground. Except my lense is better than everyone else's lense.

Facebook Don't #1: The Selfie
Don't know where this started, but it's gotta stop. Facebook is the epitome of vanity. But where I come from, other people take my picture (and hopefully not often because my smile is faker than a Madame Toussad's wax statue). Guys with sixpacks, girls with tiny bikinis, hand on hips, leg turned in, trout pout/fish face, poorly done tramp stamp. "Hehhhhehhhhehhhehhh it's me, just relaxin' doin my algebra homework in yoga pants wanna fuck?" Are you kidding me? Would you ever be this careless with developed pictures in the '90's? Oh, cause it's digital you can be wasteful? Grab a clue. I want some ghastly picture to materialize to some Barbie and Ken couple where Ken is posing while taking a selfie of his abs, while Barbie awkwardly changes a sodden tampon over the toilet in the background. That is my dream and my aspiration for those that like to selfie. I leave you with this classic:

Facebook Don't #2: The Doppelganger
Some frumpy troll got the idea in their head that if you think you look like a celebrity, maybe you can goose up your self-esteem by making your profile a picture of that celebrity. Well guess what? You don't look like Angelina Jolie. You don't look like Ryan Gosling. You look like a pale, pock-marked chain-smoker (you know, what everyone else really thinks you look like) who wears tragically unhip black jeans and tucked-in turtlenecks who frequents dive bars with 40-somethings that don't want you for your looks. If you're going to link yourself to a celebrity, at least pick someone beaten with the ugly stick to at least APPEAR somewhat humble. My go-to is Adam Carolla, because Carson Daly and Anderson Cooper are a stretch for me. That's fine, I'm comfortable with that. But know your limits. 

You'rrrrrre not Megan Fox - you're a fucking Uruk-Hai from Lord of the Rings

Facebook Don't #3: Cryptic Messages
My personal pet peeve - the cryptic message. Shut your mouth. You try to hook people into your trainwreck world. Some examples:

"I'm starting to think I deserve getting hit."
"Guess I should hang myself after all."
"It's official - I can't do anything right."
"Maybe it's time I stopped trying."
"I stuck my boyfriend's snake up my vagina and it tickled a biiiiit" (ok I made that last one up)

Heaven forbid a girl experience a stomach ache on Facebook without speculation that she's preggers. "Hmmmm bun in the oven chica? Hmmmmm something a couple days late sexy momma? Eating for two hot stuff? Hmmmmmmm?" Shut up. Maybe your female friend is gassy from eating too much popcorn and iced tea? Did you think of that? Maybe your friend is having trouble getting pregnant and you are making her feel bad? Did you think of that either you big ape? Keep your crytic messages to yourself. Hang out with a better crowd and find a better partner that doesn't treat you like shit. Nobody wants to read your cryptic messages, Dolores.

Facebook Don't #4: Pseudo-Activism
Don't get me started on the 'Useful Idiot Movement' or as I call it, "Obama's Re-Election Campaign Staffers/The Future of our Country". These are the people that fall for every movement known to mankind that tugs at the heartstrings. Remember KONY 2012? "Ugandan kidnaps children and enrolls them in his military movement and has sex with them. He needs to be stopped. Give money to this cause." Little did these people know that their $30 kits went to administrative costs and about 10% of proceeds benefited this movement, oh by the way Joseph Kony has most likely been dead for 8 years. Aaaaand the main organizer of this movement (Jason Russell, Obama supporter/communications major) was arrested for drunkenly masterbating into a bush on a public street corner. But the movement felt natural, right?

"Invisible Children - Visible Cock"
Remember changing your profile pic to an '80's cartoon to fight child molesters? Did that prevent anything? Do you think a pedophile in non-pocketed black sweatpants and a hoodie-less sweatshirt was gonna molest someone and then suddenly stopped in his tracks when he logged on to Facebook at his local library and saw a slew of cartoon characters from his childhood? "Ohhhh shit, I can't act on my feelings, the Smurfs and He-Man will come after me!!!!!! Don't want Heathcliff to kick me in the dick, I better knock this off!!!" Hardly, you dumbass. Newsflash - your Facebook Pseudo-Activism doesn't do anything. Spending money to help advance a cause does something. Unless it's KONY 2012. You're just stupid if you donated to that, and I hope his army kidnaps you, molests you, and makes you a sex slave.

Facebook Don't #5: The Instagram Taker
"I had two day old pizza leftovers for lunch - Mmmmmm yummy!!!
We're all guilty. We eat something yummy and feel the need to share it with the world. That's great if you are at Fleming's Steakhouse or Nobu, but if your mommy makes you a PB&J with a pickle and a glass of milk, I don't want to see it. It's a meal. We eat three of them a day. You are no different than anybody else. You just finished your Trix cereal and left a sip of orange juice. Ooops! Someone didn't finish their flaxseed and oatmeal cookie! Take a picture of your lasagna so I can see if you joined the Clean Plate Club! Now take a picture of your sloppy Klondike bar dessert cause I want to see your brain-freeze face! Knock it off. You're going to either shit it out or vomit it up. You are not special. Stop clogging my Facebook feed. It prevents me from seeing what Alex Jones ate.

Facebook Do #1
Donate whatever you can to the families of those effected by the Boston Marathon bombing. There are countless stories of heroes from all over the city helping the 150+ injured to safety. Over 30 people lost limbs and are maimed for life. While this is nowhere close to 9/11 in terms of severity, there are people who will be in rehabilitation centers for the foreseeable future and unable to find gainful employment. Any day now, bracelets and other clothing will be available online - do your research to make sure this goes directly to the charity and buy-up accordingly. I know I will.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Cyprus Crisis Will Happen In America

So it's been a wild couple weeks on Planet Earth as two stories have been almost exclusively taking up global headlines - the Cyprus Bank confiscation and the ongoing North Korea belligerence. While both items are seemingly unrelated, they tie in to the global end game to bring the United States to its knees. This particular post will provide the overview of events that will spark catastrophe in the US and A as it relates to the looming bank runs and subsequent confiscation of YOUR money. I consider this a real 'feel good' piece, so enjoy!

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past three weeks, you're well aware of the first of MANY bank depositor confiscations. A small country the size of Shaq's penis caused the global financial markets to freeze in shock at the ballsiness of its central bankers. Cypress is the Euro's smallest nation, but it's crisis set such a disgusting, despicable precedent, as part of the bailout mandated a 40% levy on any account balance over 100k for Bank of Cyprus depositors and a 60% levy for Laiki (competing bank) depositors. The total bailout was about 17b, of which half will be pulled straight from it's own people. Of course, the Russian oligarchs and government officials had removed their billions from the banks in the weeks leading up to the crisis. Cypress banks had at least 70% of their investments in Greek sovereign debt. So when Greece got pneumonia, Cypress went into a coma. Germany basically said (rightfully so), "Screw you, come up with your own money, we're done paying for your mistakes." They're sick of bailing out countries in the Eurozone who can't keep their shit together. I don't blame them. At this point, since all member countries are wary of leaving the Euro, these types of events will become commonplace. Europe appears to be fracturing into two parties - the responsible nations (Germany, Sweden, Switzerland, other Scandinavian countries) vs the socialist model dumbass nations (Portugal, Italy, Ireland, Greece, Spain, etc). Cyprus was a small petri dish to test the severity of this cash grab. It worked without riots, so the ante will be upped when the next country comes to the Troika (European Commission with the European Central Bank and the International Monetary Fund) asking for money. Most likely Slovakia, Slovenia, Malta, or even Portugal or Spain. Do you think it began and ended with Cyprus? Of course not, you big dummy! Spain, Australia and New Zealand now have proposals to have a similar plan when their economies go belly up. And soon the rest of Europe will too.

Why do I bring this up? Well, guess where banker confiscation will eventually rear its ugly head? Ding ding ding!!!! Right here in the good ol' USA. It has to. Why wouldn't it? We have $17 trillion of debt, $220 trillion of unfunded liabilities, no attempt to make meaningful entitlements reform, 48 million on foodstamps, 50% of our citizens on government assistance and a currency with Stage 4 cancer. You can't blame Obama for presenting a dead-on-arrival budget plan - it's his first one since he became President. We also can't service our debt without printing more money. QE is losing steam (the Fed is split on when to end this, but like a crackhead, we keep needing more to feed our addictions). Eventually we raise interest rates and either inflation will be out of hand by then, our credit has been downgraded, or our dollar will be abandoned in favor of the newly formed BRICS banking system backed by gold (you know that substance that Russia, India, China are hoarding right now? The stuff that USED to be in our vaults at Fort Knox and NY Fed? Our bank accounts and retirement accounts will eventually be touched by the banksters and our government's grubby fingers within the next five to ten years (most likely sooner).
And you thought mullets were the worst haircuts....
A joint FDIC/Bank of England paper published December 2012 (you know, while we were distracted talking about gun control in the aftermath of Sandy Hook) basically redefined bank depositors as 'investors' and 'shareholders'. So when shit hits the fan here (and it will), your bank account gets a haircut AND that haircut becomes worthless shares not subject to FDIC deposit insurance. Full document here:

Banks and your government are in the early stages of crisis planning for when the system crashes. I've spoken ad-nauseum about the pending dollar collapse and our unsustainable debt, but when it's time to pay the piper, and our dollar has been hyperinflated, and the printed presses are turned off, and we are the equivalent of an economic leper, two easy sources of revenue will pop up - the aforementioned bank accounts for the zombie banks, and your 401k/IRA that the government will take. I told you not to trust these scum-sucking bastards!!! But you do cause they give you free shit and pretend they care about the imaginary war on women!!!! And they want to help you with your student loans!!!! And they like green energy!!! Yayyyy!!!!!
Here's the deal - they come after your retirement accounts first. If you're like me, you've worked, you've saved, and you've invested in your 401k, gotten your company to kick in a defined contribution of 4-10%. You watch it grow, refuse to touch it lest you get a 10% penalty, and start to relax knowing that between social security, any cash pensions, and your core retirement savings, things will be pretty good when you retire. What the government is NOT telling you is that since 2007, they have been trying to sneakily pass legislation that mandates US Treasury securities become the 'risk-free' and 'safe' investment that 'preserves wealth' in each of our retirement accounts. So no more precious metals, emerging growth, blue chip mutual funds - we would be the buyer of last resort since no one else wants to own our debt!!!!! And you'd be FORCED to convert your plans into US treasury only accounts.

There is currently around $19 trillion of private retirement accounts. After some large-scale crash, dollar flight, credit downgrade, alternative banking model (BRICS development fund), America will predictably freak out and look to our useless government for answers. They will inevitably 'come to the rescue' and set up some type of Guaranteed Retirement Account consisting of US treasuries. "Yes massah" the sheeple will scream. Just like we got in lockstep after 9/11. Just like we wanted a quick fix in 2008's crisis. Just like we wanted the Fiscal Cliff theater resolved. Just like we wanted to ban guns after Sandy Hook. Government LOVES when you are emotional, cause you'll sign up for ANYTHING. "They didn't revolt after we nationalized our healthcare system with Obamacare, so we can get away with this too." (Quick aside - Dems are starting to freak out that HHS head Kathy Sebelius is now on record saying costs will be significantly higher than initially thought, and the mountains of new mandates may not be enforceable until 2015. I'm shellshocked). Anyway, Social Security will manage this new influx of loot, and it won't even keep pace with inflation (which will be around 20-30% annually by then). But government saved the day, so why should we care? Oh by the way, the first salvo was thrown today when Obama's budget announced a proposal to limit wealthy account owners to $3 million. Take away tax deductions and they've created $10 billion of additional revenues.

This $19 trillion bucket gets converted into US treasuries, which basically means it is the new operating account for the government to spend on anything it wants. The debt will be inflated away, so most likely this will be used to pay for more and more entitlements, Medicare, Medicaid, illegal immigrants, unskilled slobs who can't find work, exploding welfare, wars in the Middle East and the Orient. When that is not enough, the banks will snag your accounts as their own. Remember, you are now an 'investor' or 'shareholder' or 'creditor' (whatever they decide you to be that day). Thanks to Dodd-Frank, the newly created "U.S. Consumer Financial Protection Bureau" will help facilitate this move when the SEC inevitably falls asleep at the switch during the next looming derivatives and forthcoming stock market crash. So let's recap - your 401k gets hijacked in favor of worthly securities, you lose future purchasing power because of hyperinflation, and you also get a chunk of your bank account confiscated. And you thought it couldn't happen in America, just like 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Sandy, the 2008 Market Meltdown, BP oil spill, electing a black president, and a large-scale assault on the 2nd Amendment. Well guess what? It's all happened. Now, if only there was some international crisis/planned false flag attack brewing that could unite our country in a show of phony patriotism........