Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Facebook Do's and Don'ts

Before we delve into a Mission: Critical post on Facebook etiquette, I'm still shell-shocked over watching my hometown of Boston all over the news for the Marathon Bombing. Having witnessed family and friends run the event over the years, I can say that it is a wonderful tradition to partake in, as is the annual 11:00am Red Sox game at Fenway Park while the race takes place. So many people come out to celebrate Patriot's Day (a Massachusetts tradition), and Monday's attack has put a black mark on the Boston Marathon for eternity. I'm so sick to my stomach over the 8 year old boy and 29 year old woman (and now the student from China) who died supporting their families in the race. And the countless pictures of blood splattered all over the pavement and a now infamous picture of a man wheeled off the scene with nothing but a leg bone from the knee down. So all we can do is pray (note - having someone in your 'thoughts' doesn't do shit, atheists feel free to disagree), and hope that Obama's version of justice for the perpetrator(s) is more than a tersely worded hate letter.

So instead of dwelling on Monday's tragedy, we need to pick our heads up and stand strong like New York, Atlanta, and Oklahoma City did. I hate how now its a group of cities. But we sure as hell can't be moping around forever, leaving overemotional Facebook statuses and tough-guy pictures of Wally The Green Monster fighting terror. Obligatory 'you messed with the wrong city' memes. WTF does that even mean? Will the John Hancock and Prudential buildings suddenly sprout arms and legs and start kicking the shit out of [ethnicity of undisclosed suspect - either a muslim or a right wing extremist, liberals hoping for the latter]? Will some drunks in Southie form militias and seek out street justice? No, they won't. The best revenge is acting like business as usual. Stephen Colbert said it best:

Support the Bruins, Celtics, and 1st place Red Sox (damn, THAT feels good to say!). Visit this beautiful city, the various waterfronts, the business district, Faneuil Hall, and any of the other countless glorious attractions that Boston has to offer. Stay the hell away from Downtown Crossing though. Hear me out - we can't have unattended sporting events, empty malls, vacant skyscrapers and dead movie theaters. We need to giggle at stupidity like we did on April 14th. I'll try my best to bring it. May God comfort those that were effected by this and bring the evildoer(s) under His eternal judgment. Now, back to being a dick.

In case you aren't regularly on it cause you're a boring stiff, Facebook is a place where people's lives are front and center. Every bowel movement, meal, sexcapade, party, and contraction are shared with the wider community as a means of attracting attention to oneself. Here's a list of some of the items I'd avoid going forward. BTW - these lists are all over the internet, I'm not breaking any new ground. Except my lense is better than everyone else's lense.

Facebook Don't #1: The Selfie
Don't know where this started, but it's gotta stop. Facebook is the epitome of vanity. But where I come from, other people take my picture (and hopefully not often because my smile is faker than a Madame Toussad's wax statue). Guys with sixpacks, girls with tiny bikinis, hand on hips, leg turned in, trout pout/fish face, poorly done tramp stamp. "Hehhhhehhhhehhhehhh it's me, just relaxin' doin my algebra homework in yoga pants wanna fuck?" Are you kidding me? Would you ever be this careless with developed pictures in the '90's? Oh, cause it's digital you can be wasteful? Grab a clue. I want some ghastly picture to materialize to some Barbie and Ken couple where Ken is posing while taking a selfie of his abs, while Barbie awkwardly changes a sodden tampon over the toilet in the background. That is my dream and my aspiration for those that like to selfie. I leave you with this classic:

Facebook Don't #2: The Doppelganger
Some frumpy troll got the idea in their head that if you think you look like a celebrity, maybe you can goose up your self-esteem by making your profile a picture of that celebrity. Well guess what? You don't look like Angelina Jolie. You don't look like Ryan Gosling. You look like a pale, pock-marked chain-smoker (you know, what everyone else really thinks you look like) who wears tragically unhip black jeans and tucked-in turtlenecks who frequents dive bars with 40-somethings that don't want you for your looks. If you're going to link yourself to a celebrity, at least pick someone beaten with the ugly stick to at least APPEAR somewhat humble. My go-to is Adam Carolla, because Carson Daly and Anderson Cooper are a stretch for me. That's fine, I'm comfortable with that. But know your limits. 

You'rrrrrre not Megan Fox - you're a fucking Uruk-Hai from Lord of the Rings

Facebook Don't #3: Cryptic Messages
My personal pet peeve - the cryptic message. Shut your mouth. You try to hook people into your trainwreck world. Some examples:

"I'm starting to think I deserve getting hit."
"Guess I should hang myself after all."
"It's official - I can't do anything right."
"Maybe it's time I stopped trying."
"I stuck my boyfriend's snake up my vagina and it tickled a biiiiit" (ok I made that last one up)

Heaven forbid a girl experience a stomach ache on Facebook without speculation that she's preggers. "Hmmmm bun in the oven chica? Hmmmmm something a couple days late sexy momma? Eating for two hot stuff? Hmmmmmmm?" Shut up. Maybe your female friend is gassy from eating too much popcorn and iced tea? Did you think of that? Maybe your friend is having trouble getting pregnant and you are making her feel bad? Did you think of that either you big ape? Keep your crytic messages to yourself. Hang out with a better crowd and find a better partner that doesn't treat you like shit. Nobody wants to read your cryptic messages, Dolores.

Facebook Don't #4: Pseudo-Activism
Don't get me started on the 'Useful Idiot Movement' or as I call it, "Obama's Re-Election Campaign Staffers/The Future of our Country". These are the people that fall for every movement known to mankind that tugs at the heartstrings. Remember KONY 2012? "Ugandan kidnaps children and enrolls them in his military movement and has sex with them. He needs to be stopped. Give money to this cause." Little did these people know that their $30 kits went to administrative costs and about 10% of proceeds benefited this movement, oh by the way Joseph Kony has most likely been dead for 8 years. Aaaaand the main organizer of this movement (Jason Russell, Obama supporter/communications major) was arrested for drunkenly masterbating into a bush on a public street corner. But the movement felt natural, right?

"Invisible Children - Visible Cock"
Remember changing your profile pic to an '80's cartoon to fight child molesters? Did that prevent anything? Do you think a pedophile in non-pocketed black sweatpants and a hoodie-less sweatshirt was gonna molest someone and then suddenly stopped in his tracks when he logged on to Facebook at his local library and saw a slew of cartoon characters from his childhood? "Ohhhh shit, I can't act on my feelings, the Smurfs and He-Man will come after me!!!!!! Don't want Heathcliff to kick me in the dick, I better knock this off!!!" Hardly, you dumbass. Newsflash - your Facebook Pseudo-Activism doesn't do anything. Spending money to help advance a cause does something. Unless it's KONY 2012. You're just stupid if you donated to that, and I hope his army kidnaps you, molests you, and makes you a sex slave.

Facebook Don't #5: The Instagram Taker
"I had two day old pizza leftovers for lunch - Mmmmmm yummy!!!
We're all guilty. We eat something yummy and feel the need to share it with the world. That's great if you are at Fleming's Steakhouse or Nobu, but if your mommy makes you a PB&J with a pickle and a glass of milk, I don't want to see it. It's a meal. We eat three of them a day. You are no different than anybody else. You just finished your Trix cereal and left a sip of orange juice. Ooops! Someone didn't finish their flaxseed and oatmeal cookie! Take a picture of your lasagna so I can see if you joined the Clean Plate Club! Now take a picture of your sloppy Klondike bar dessert cause I want to see your brain-freeze face! Knock it off. You're going to either shit it out or vomit it up. You are not special. Stop clogging my Facebook feed. It prevents me from seeing what Alex Jones ate.

Facebook Do #1
Donate whatever you can to the families of those effected by the Boston Marathon bombing. There are countless stories of heroes from all over the city helping the 150+ injured to safety. Over 30 people lost limbs and are maimed for life. While this is nowhere close to 9/11 in terms of severity, there are people who will be in rehabilitation centers for the foreseeable future and unable to find gainful employment. Any day now, bracelets and other clothing will be available online - do your research to make sure this goes directly to the charity and buy-up accordingly. I know I will.

No comments:

Post a Comment