Thursday, January 10, 2013

Never Trust a Pixie Cut

Here is my first official blog post for Trousered Apes. Starting off Rated G. Enjoy!

It deals with a trend that goes in and out of style and leaves disappointed, flaccid men in its wake - the Pixie Cut. For those of you who live under a rock, 1) maybe its time to find a real job with your useless college major that your parents wasted their money on and stop living under a rock, and 2) a Pixie Cut is whenever a girl goes to the hair stylist and basically says, "Cut off my pretty hair and make me look like Lloyd Christmas."

Now let me make this VERY clear - this post is not to make light of anyone actually going through a medical treatment that results in hair loss/regrowth. You're exempt. I'm going after those that make a conscious effort to look trendy and stylish and specifically ask their tranny stylist Sven to lop off their hair and make them look like a pre-pubescent ten year old boy. I'm here to say that no man will ever utter the words, "Honey, you look so much sexier" because that would make him a fat, balding liar. "Yeah, well look in the mirror, buddy, you're nothing to write home about." I can say that because I have power alleys and an emerging bald spot the size of a tennis ball, so shut your mouth (this is what I would say aloud if you....nevermind). Guys need you to have long, pretty hair that they can smell like a weirdo when they think you're not looking. Getting a whiffle because you feel liberated from your predetermined gender roles is not a turn-on. Don't get a pixie cut. Ever.

The leading Pixie Cut advocates are Ellen Degeneres, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Hermione Watson. For some reason they think its appropriate to cut off all of their hair, thinking others will be attracted to it. Well guess what, they're dead wrong. A recent study from the London School of Design has shown that erections subside faster when viewing pictures of pixie cuts than they do when a picture of Rosie O'Donnell dancing on a table is shown. They flat out don't work. But why do women keep getting them?

Some say its because it makes their head feel lighter, its chic and hip, and it's less to manage each day when you get out of the shower. Whatever. If you can deal with monthly periods and nine months of pregnancy, you can deal with long hair. Stop complaining and grow that shit out.

Some history here - Rihanna got a bob/mini pixie in 2009 and Chris Brown proceeded to beat the shit out of her and bite her legs because the sight was so abhorrent (just kidding.....she apparently likes getting beaten because they're dating again). Kate Gosselin combined a pixie cut with an NBC Peacock in the back and Crispin Glover comeover in the front (which is why her husband left her, not the 8 kids part) and she finally got hip to the game, grew it out and magically has dates now. Michelle Williams got a pixie cut and Heath Ledger friggin OD'd because he'd rather be dead than deal with looking at Draco Malfoy every morning. Victoria Beckham got a pixie cut and instantly developed an inability to smile/have a discernible personality AND was cursed with having three boys (didnt have a girl till she grew it out a little). Miley Cyrus got a pixie cut and will probably wind up pregnant with Gale Hawthorne's baby in the next two months. Actions have consequences.

I could go on all day about the pitfalls of pixie cuts but I leave you with this simple, warning - if you're thinking of jazzing up your hair, please consider a Fran Drescher perm or Grace Jones flat top before opting for a pixie cut. Your partner will thank you.


  1. I have to show this to my boss... He will love it! I think he cried when I got the post wedding must chop my hair off hair cut.

  2. glad you like it! its a heartbreaking thing to see beautiful locks of hair hacked off (unless they go to Locks of Love or something). grow your pretty hair out. Dont let it happen again!

  3. Ross..friggin hilarious. Brilliant idea of the blog mate. bugger off!

  4. I really want to smack you, I am a girl with a pixie cut and I did not chop off my hair to please pigheaded idiots like you. How about you grow out your hair to where it is so long that it gives you migranes, and it takes so long to blow dry it feels like you are going to get carpel tunnel from brushing it for an hour every day? Then you can deal with it getting caught in car doors and in windows and in chairs and in every single nook and cranny you have never noticed before a minimum of a dozen times a day. Only then will you have even a third of the right to say that a woman should deal with long hair just so you can decide if she is hot enough for you to diegn to give her a second glance. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, and she needs long hair like a fish needs trainimg wheels.

  5. This was a satire. Dripping with sarcasm. Pixie cuts can be pretty but mock indignation is funnier. You must be a fucking blast at parties. Thanks for reading though.