Sunday, March 23, 2014

Newest Craze - 'Motor Oil-Pulling'

If you are like me, you can't get through a day without researching the latest trendy craze sweeping social media or the internet. There has been much hullabaloo recently about a new way to detoxify - it's called 'oil-pulling', which is the act of swishing around any type of oil in your mouth for twenty minutes a day, and in the process you are bringing forth all of your mouth's toxins and spitting them out in one fell swoop. This can result in whiter teeth, fresher breath, stronger gums, a better night sleep, and lower overall tooth sensitivity.

I tried it for a few weeks and it worked pretty well. My sleep improved, my teeth got 2% whiter, and I didn't wake up with dick-breath every morning (ummmm....). But I wanted more. When I do an internet trend, I like to shoot for the stars and get out-of-this-world results. Balls to the wall. So I took this trend one step further and created my own journey - it's called 'Motor-Oil Pulling'. Boy, did I get more than I bargained for!

So here's what you do - go to your nearest Pep Boys and find a preferred motor oil. My go-to is Castrol GTX, since it collects soot and mouth sludge, uses only organic additives, and protects my body against viscosity and thermal breakdown. Obvi. Swish it around for 45 minutes (no less) and spit it out in a homeless person's face (if you don't live near homeless people, a lazy goth with black nail polish will do). You will notice things start to get better right away. Here's a few of the outcomes:

Blackened/Sooty Teeth
The first thing I started to notice was that my teeth instantly blackened. It appeared that motor-oil pulling does its stated job of collating sludge, but when you spit it out, the sooty glaze will linger. You might wanna get used to that, cause I don't think it's going away any time soon.

Mechanic Breath
After I spit out the oil, I noticed a numbing feeling in my mouth. I think it's cause I had MOTOR OIL in it! Whatever, agree to disagree. Feedback from family members and colleagues was that my breath smelled like the inside of an auto repair joint. It was so bad, I went to kiss my kids goodnight and their eyebrows singed the hell off! What's the big idea? I thought this was supposed to collect and remove toxins from my mouth? Why does it have to be so hard? Did my taste buds get sucked out too?

Creates Hangover/Increases Sleep
Normal oil-pulling techniques 'supposibly' (white person version of mis-pronouncing 'ask') cure hangovers, or at the very least limit them. Not so with motor-oil pulling. My head was pounding, I felt like I ate a cooler full of jelly beans that were soaked in Zima, and then had an anvil dropped on my dome. My urine was jet black, yet the consistency of sweet crude, which led me to the conclusion that if I professed a misplaced hatred of Jews and a willingness to behead Christians, then OPEC would consider doing business with me on a regular basis! My poop looked like fresh clumpy tar/newborn baby meconium. That's a normal side effect of oil-pulling, right? No? My hangover and GI issues continued for two weeks. And then I flat out almost died. Woke up each night, wandered down the hallway, stood in front of the bathroom mirror as I sized myself up, invoking the 'Larry David Staredown' in a hallucinatory state. Then I wet myself. I'd come-to no less than fourteen hours later and find myself in the garage/face down on the wet morning dew of my front lawn. But yes, a better night sleep was obtained.

Intense Skin Dryness
After motor-oil pulling for a month, my skin lost any moisture inside of it and started flaking off all over the place. Picture a pile of powdery eczema near the copy machine and multiply it by 10. The hair on my arms fell off, and I grew scales, black bags under my eyes and open sores all over my neck and genetalia. When people would shake hands with me, five layers of skin would fall off and stay in the palm of their hand, creating an awkward situation that 'deflecting with humor' couldn't resolve. My company tried to fire me, but I couldn't generate enough strength to hold a pen still enough to sign my severance package without leaking out blood and veins all over the document. I felt like a mix between Beetlejuice and Bill Murray's dead boss in 'Scrooged'.

Elongates your teeth/gums/jaw
Something happened when I started doing motor-oil pulling - my mouth region turned somewhat ape-ish. The teeth actually GREW a centimeter, my blackened gums started to pus over and grow up my teeth, and my bottom jaw began to protrude like I was cro-magnon man/steroid user. Combine that with my Armenian features and I was one step away from being in a Geico commercial/prehistoric exhibit in a museum. In fact, you could have hung me up mid-gait in the 'bipedal' wing of the museum and folks would think nothing of it, had I not been wearing a Brooks Brothers shirt and LL Bean moccasins.

Extreme hormonal imbalance
I flat out grew a vagina. Started menstruating oil (southern phonetic spelling 'erl'). Used mechanic rags in my boxer shorts to stem the flow. Got overemotional and developed an extreme false sense of urgency for everything. I lost the ability to compartmentalize the drama in my personal life and lashed out at others in the workplace. I refused to change the water bubbler when it was empty. I started snapping selfies of myself with a trout-pout. Started complaining to anyone who would listen about equal pay. Exclusively ate yogurt and salads, and held in my fahhhts for five days. Randomly called female associates 'girlie', 'sexy mama', and 'bestie'. I don't think coconut oil pulling yields the same side effects, but I could be wrong.

So that's the basics so far. Gonna continue this for another two weeks then may go back to coconut oil. Plus the jury is still out on this new fangled 'oil pulling'. According to the first dentist that showed up in Google, a man calling himself 'Dr. Isaac Yankem' (who moonlights as WWE superstar Kane) was quoted as saying, "The long term effects of oil-pulling have yet to be proven. Like any study, the results will be contradicted 15 years later by another study, so have at it. But using motor oil is ill-advised. You'd have to be mentally deranged to do such a silly thing." Well there you have it. My 'holistic' approach doesn't JIVE with the experts. Shows what they know. Until next time....

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