Monday, January 13, 2014

Assorted January 2014 Ramblings Drive-By

It's January 13th so we can stop wishing each other a happy new year. You've probably quit your diet, are back to yelling at your kids, drinking heavily again, and letting miscellaneous receipts and wrappers litter your Ford Fusion. It's ok, the world needs ditch-diggers.

This entry will probably be a short one, and it's everything I hate about blogs - the whole "random musings/world according to me/things that piss me off" routine. I try to limit them to once a year, but you know what? I put a lot of thought into my posts to make this site unique. I don't post food porn pics, I don't use the phrase 'no filter', and I sure as hell don't post dashboard temperature pics, so please let me take the foot off of the Illuminati accelerator once in a while, mmmkay? Here's some random microcosms pushing the world to the brink of disaster, and why we should probably man up a little bit:

Coffee Splashguards at Starbucks
Starbucks prides itself with being cutting edge and hip, so they've somehow managed to fix something that normal people just sigh dramatically and move on from - coffee splashguards. You know, those green tooth-picky things that prevent coffee droplets from leaking out when you walk. Neat in theory. But unnecessary to devote factory machinery to creating these jawns. Some hipster pussy probably spilled some java on his indoor scarf while texting his mom to come pick him up, got all worked up and complained to management about his inconvenience. I say man up, lick your hands, and move on with your life. They'll probably start charging for these in 12 months, so get them while they're free. Wuss.

Styrofoam Cup Koozies For Iced Coffee
Not sure where this started, but I've seen it a ton since 2011 in Massachusetts (where I grew up). Basically it's no longer safe to have a plastic cup of iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts. You need to protect your little vagina hands with a styrofoam cup so that the coldness from the iced coffee doesn't make them chilly and wet. Is your 1st world lifestyle so hard that you can't tough out a refreshing drink? Can you handle life? Do you stay home from work if there is frost out cause your shoes might get damp and it might feel uncomfortable? When you have AIDS and you live in the Serengeti and wild monkeys peck at your guts while you sleep in your hut made out of your own shit, THEN maybe it warrants the cashier handing you an empty styrofoam cup, probably because she feels bad for you cause of the whole AIDS/shit-hut mumbo jumbo. But seriously, tough it out. Troops are dying in the Middle East for your freedoms. [NSA - you're probably reading this since I'm on some red list - did I sell the whole 'freedoms/troops/dying' propaganda line correctly?]

Obsession with 'Hump-Day'
My mind is still boggled that we are useless/lifeless slobs on Monday, count down to Friday, and give ourselves a mid-week pick me up in the form of celebrating Wednesday as 'Hump Day'. This is your life until you retire, assholes. Get used to it. People work five or six or seven days a week. Mondays universally suck, but you get through them because it could be worse (see above A/SH example). Fridays don't always mean early release and no work until Monday morning. And why the eff are you celebrating Wednesday? Is it that hard to progress through a week of work? Maybe you should leave the DMV if it is so stressful for you. Maybe being a corporate stiff isn't all it's cracked up to be for you and your dumb ass xxxxxxxx degree (again, don't want to offend any readers who may have not chosen a wise major in school). If I had an employee who bitched about Mondays, waxed philosophical about the wonders of Wednesday Hump-Day, and from Thursday morning onward kept verbalizing a need for it to be Friday, I would fire the shit out of them, because they are probably chronic complainers, incapable of stepping up their game, working late, hitting a deadline, etc. Fiiiiine I wouldn't fire them. Instead I'd beat them to death with their OWN keyboard, and then for fun stick Keurig K-Cups up their asshole (Tully's Italian Roast and Donut Shop Blend in case you're wondering).

Injury-Prone Athletes
After watching all of the NFL games this weekend, I noticed an emerging trend - people get injured a lot easier these days. The games were stopped literally every five minutes so some non-conditioned slob could limp off the field with a WRIST injury. Stingers, ankle tweaks, concussions from projectile missile-ing yourself into your opponents neck - there were more bodies on the field this week than the Battle of Antietam during the Civil War. As a Pats fan, I get to deal with Rob Gronkowski getting injured every other game, and Seahawks fans got to see Percy Harvin injured for the 54th time in ten weeks. You can't trust these guys to stay healthy. A huge part of me is petrified that Julian Edelman will sprain a couple digits finger-blasting some Dorchester hoodrat at a Boston nightclub and we'll get smoked by the Broncos. Same with baseball players. You run to first MAYBE five times max in a game, so just don't injure yourself running straight. And you get a ball hit to you in the outfield MAYBE ten times a game, so just don't injure yourself looking up at the sky for a ball. Boggles my mind how you can get paid that much money for your athletic skill yet you are a dainty fuck who can't handle a hangnail.


No Sense of Urgency at Redbox
I've vented about this on Facebook before (I think people were too busy having a life to comment), but Redbox protocol is extremely important in a post-Blockbuster world. You need to go in with a strategy - either 1) Know what you want, thumb through the selection, pick your format, and get out of dodge, 2) Loosely know what genre you are looking for, so you can weed out the riff-raff movies or 3) Get away from the Redbox kiosk. There's no gender-specific trends, I just see an assortment of buffoons who are unsure, unprepared, and quite frankly, unwelcome at my Redbox. Wallet should be out (easier for guys, women tend to act surpised at any checkout line when it's time to actually pay for the shit they just got, thumb through their purse, take time out of everyone else's day, etc), select should be made, and hand should be on the dispenser. Get your kids the hell away from making a selection, get off the damn cellphone, don't forget a medium to pay for the movie, and don't just be standing there 'seeing what's ayout' because I actually have a tactical gameplan. Thanks, I can breathe now.

Honorable Mention: "Keep Calm And xxxxxxxxxx" shirts. Just stop. Please.

Glad I got these gripes out of my system. So many more and so little time, but we can table that until February's ramblings. Pats 63 Broncos 59. Seahawks 27 Niners 17.

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