Sunday, January 19, 2014

Anatomy of a 'Trendy'

I've made numerous references to 'trendies' in my posts, mainly because I hate them and find them to be multiplying like gremlins who've been exposed to water. Tonight I aim to shed light on who these people are, where they congregate (sure as hell ain't church), and ways to identify them by their fruits. Think of this is the 'Create-A-Superstar' option in the latest WWE PS3 game.

We're gonna go head to toe, so take notes. Take some Dramamine cause this is gonna be a Tour de Force.

Head shape - boxy, square jaw, pulsating cheekbones. Neck like a stack o' dimes due to impoverishment and constant search for gluten-free and milk-free foods.
Head attire - knitted cap, beret. Non-sports hat with bizarre logo. Indoor scarf around their neck.

"What is a 1st down? Football is for the birds!"

Glasses Type - thick, black-rimmed. Even if they have 20/20 vision. Helps them look and feel smarter.
Build - stringy, muscle-less, lanky, wiry. Probably no chest hair. Basically the body of DJ Qualls.

Torso attire - slim-fit flannel, untucked. Blazer with t-shirt underneath. Turtleneck that flows up to the chin but doesn't touch the neck because trendy is malnourished.
Legs - chicken-like. Hairless. About 5% have leg hair. But that's the bohemian chicks.
Legs attire - tight jeans. Most likely black, but beige tight corduroys would suffice as well.
Political persuasion - liberal. All of them. Ever hear a trendy bloviate on the pitfalls of abortion and gun registries, or even praise Jesus? Yeah me neither.
Favorite sayings - "Thahhht's hilaaaaahhhhrius" (said with a straight face). "Rehhly?" "That's wrong on so many levels."

Type of shoe - Converse. Converse. And maybe some loafers. If you ask them if they got the new Lebrons or Durants, they'd think you were talking about some new indie band. Speaking of which....
Favorite bands - The Killers. Capital Cities (to be fair, my new favorite band so LAY OFF!!!). Muse. Passion Pit. Dashboard Confessional.
Stance on capitalism - hate it. But they'll spin some yarn about how Apple, Google, Starbucks, and Pinkberry are exempt and 'good' companies.
Hangout spots - tree groves, Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, the unemployment line, Occupy protests (remember that colossal failure?), Coachella music festival, Lilith Fair if it were still around ("Adia I doooo believe I failllllled youuuuuu"), and The Burning Man Radical Self-Expression Art Festival (kind of like a metrosexual Bohemian Grove, except instead of global elites/world leaders, we have unemployed trendies).

"OMG Brandon Flowers looked at me HE LOOKED AT ME!!!"
Employment status - 76% unemployment rate among trendies. Useless majors have led them to this quandry. No, 'Starving Artist' doesn't count as a job. Mommy and Daddy usually kick in living expenses to help 'get them through a rough patch.' Still looking for the fictitious 'dream job that they want to fall in love with'. Usually involves schlepping old Rembrandt paintings from art museum to art museum.
Diet - lots of quinoa, goat cheese, fair trade coffee (as if they give a shit), Kashi Bars, Nutella sandwiches washed down with almond milk.

"Ewww I'm not eating a burger. That's dead animal spirits." 
Go-to latte - Iced, Half Caff, Ristretto, Venti, 4-Pump, Sugar Free, 3 Pump Monkey Semen, Cinnamon, Dolce Soy Skinny Latte with AIDS. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Trendy.
Interests - waxing philosophical about how they'd eradicate poverty (cause the ideas of their commie/socialist ilk have worked so well since the beginning of time), trading war stories on how they still haven't been able to sign up for healthcare through the Obamacare website, giving their first blow job at a Passion Pit concert, sharing reviews of the latest over-rated David Sedaris or Michael Chabon book.

"Me? Work on a Friday night? No way, Todd."

Ok that's enough of that.  Trendies aren't bad people. You may actually know some of them. But keep an eye on them. They are the future of our country. The next generation of 'manly men'. The future leaders of our country and stewards of our foreign policy. God help us. 

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