Tuesday, December 3, 2013

My Top 5 'Hall Passes'

I'm sitting here watching Thor I with my wife, older two kids and my mother-in-law, and I am deep in thought. Not because I've seen the movie twice (1.4x really, since I turn into a narcoleptic during each movie I watch unless I have jumper cables attached to my balls to zap me awake), but because it got me thinking - the actor that plays Thor is really good looking, muscle-bound, and downright irresistible. Is it so wrong for a married man to think this? By thinking this, do the floodgates suddenly open so that any other person on earth can have their looks analyzed in this fashion? You bet your ass. Here are my Top 5 'hall passes' as granted by my supportive wife, in no particular order. You will notice a curious common denominator.

1. Randy Orton, WWE Champion

I think I've had a man-crush on WWE superstar Randy Orton since 2003. The son of 80's legend Cowboy Bob Orton, Randy Orton is the second generation superstar that was thrust into our TV sets along with Triple H, Ric Flair, and Batista as part of the 'Evolution' stable. He was billed as the future of the WWE as the infamous vulgar/violent 'Attitude Era' of the WWE (1997-2002) came to an end. They needed new stars, so Orton, John Cena, and Edge filled the void. Instead of filling a void, Randy Orton filled my jeans....with a boner. Washboard abs, nice definition, and a clean, short haircut combined with a deep voice and pulsating jaw when angry. Then he started to get that noise all over himself ('tattoos'). He now has dual tattoo sleeves, a flat top and a mean disposition. Still one of my faves, and going through a messy divorce. So you're saying there's a chance!!!! Maybe a one night stand?

2. Chris Hemsworth, actor - (only as Thor)

Chris Hemsworth plays the regal Thor of Asgard in the Avengers series. He's had two of his own movies where he feuds with his brother Loki over control of the throne that will ultimately be vacated by Odin, King of Asgard. But that's all dumb back story. What is front and center is how hot Thor is. So hot that he singes off my eyebrows so I look like Jerry Seinfeld's Uncle Leo. His hammer is one of the most awesome weapons in the history of movies. With it, he's damn near invincible. Without it, let's just say I would have my way with him.  His ignorance of basic Planet Earth protocol is kinda cute, so I'd love to be his tour guide. I'd teach him weird things about 'how we do things in 21st century America'. And it would involve us making out H.A.M. ('Hard As a Muthfuckah'). I vividly recall my wife and I gripping each other's forearms during a shirtless scene during a theater viewing of Thor 2. My requirement (if I ever get to be in his presence) is that he Thor-hammers his dick into my ass holds my hand as we prance along the rainbow gateway to the eight other worlds.

3. Freddie Prinze Jr, actor in garbage movies

Freddie Prinze Jr, also known as 'Mr. Michelle-Gellar', starred in numerous movies you may have unfortunately watched - Summer Catch, She's All That, I Know What Those Kids Did That Summer, and Scooby Doo. He's got an all-American boy look, he's a conservative Republican (rare for Hollyweird, probably why his career took a downward spiral after he declared it), and a decent build. He was an ace pitcher in Summer Catch, but strikes me as a mini-Keanu Reaves with his doofiness. Not a problem if I tape his mouth shut and ravage him. But he's got a gorgeous face. Probably one of the nicer Hollywood faces out there. Better than George Clooney, hands down. I hope Sarah Michelle-Gellar Prinze knows how lucky she is. BTW - his movies suck, don't see them.

4. Orlando Bloom, actor - (only as Legolas)

"Boe a hyn neled herain dan caer menig? Natha daged dhaer." - Sindarin (Elven) language
Translation - "Come here and sit on my face. Are you into water sports? You ever seen a grown elf naked?"

Orlando Bloom achieved stardom from his role in Lord of the Rings as token hot elf Legolas (of the Silvan Woodland Realm, OBVIOUSLY. As if his dialect didn't give it away?!?!?). I liked his long flowing locks, puke-green leggings, and pinpoint accuracy with a bow. He had a fast draw and could also gut you like a fish with a dagger if you got too close. Just ask an orc or an oliphaunt!!!! Right?!?! Anyway, he looked like a girl, dressed like a girl, and talked like a girl. Since I love blondes (namely my wife), I figured I'd add him to my 'To Do' list. Who needs Cupid to shoot a love arrow when Legolas could shoot his OWN love arrow and we would fall in love and frolic throughout Rivendell together for eternity? Plus I think he'd be real submissive. A man can dream, right?

5. Viggo Mortensen, actor - (only as Aragorn)

Sticking to the LOTR theme, Viggo Mortensen played the uber-manly role of Aragorn, eventual king of Gondor (sorry to ruin it for you, jugheads). He was scruffy, well-trained with a sword, had good leadership qualities and NEVER lost his cool. I like that in a guy. Patient with the loser hobbits who couldn't hang with the rest of the gang, always willing to share knowledge, and always deferential to the other kings he would encounter. A humble man. Scored a higher battlefield rating than General George Patton. Looks hot in mithril armor. I loved the sweat that gathered on his brow after the battle for Helm's Deep when he pushed the doors open, and his tired, victorious frame lurched in slow motion towards the camera. I may have had some pre-jac.

Honorable Mention - Alan Rickman, actor - (only as Severus Snape)

Ok just kidding. But he friggin OWNS this character.

That's it before I get carried away. Next post deals with creative ways to pop the student loan bubble. Stay tuned and have a great week, readers!

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