Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Christmas 2013 Brag Letter

It's that time of year where children refuse to smile for pictures while dressed in flannel garb, Christmas cards are hastily put together, and the one thing more obnoxious than 'Christmas Shoes' is written up - the 'Year In Review Christmas Brag Letter'. My family never did these growing up (not much to brag about I guess?), plus they're pretty pretentious and ALWAYS boring. No one gives a shit if you got a dog and went to Aspen with your husband Gordon's bonus. He's probably cheating on you anyway. You make it look like your kids are the best, when in actuality your son is into heavy drug use, bullies the mathletes, and your slutty daughters lead the school in 'forced abortions'. But you don't see that in the Brag Letter now do ya?

So we'll play your game. Here's our 2013 Christmas Brag Letter. Sorry it's not the viral 'pajama-clad' home video of a family jumping around in elf PJ's that smell like stale farts. You'll have to bear with us and internalize the awesomeness of our family. We're just doing a 'Kid Brag', since my wife and I are tired and boring people who are already past our prime - hold onto your seat, these accomplishments may knock your socks off.

Brian (Age 8)

Brian, our oldest, had a fantastic year. He's currently in 2nd grade and loving every minute of it. Smartest boy in the class, by far. Best looking. Most respectful, friendly, and caring individual. So all of those qualities were obviously inherited from my wife. But what you just read is what makes Brag Letters boring. Here's what Brian really accomplished this year:

- Perfect attendance since kindergarten. We've sent him off to school with a broken leg, green boogers dripping down his face, open sores on his neck, and gangrene on his right foot from an infection I was too cheap to treat. Our mantra is "Tough it out, you pussy". When I was your age, we never had things like 'aspirin', 'tissues' and 'Sudafed'. What? We did? So you're saying I was LIED to?

- Perfect scores on his 'Mad Minutes'. Remember those things? Crank through a shitload of multiplication problems in 60 seconds. Remember how YOU struggled to get through it? Yeah, well Brian didn't. Not only did he typically finish 20 seconds early with no mistakes, he also managed to help the poor slob next to him, kinda like the condescending Nick Burns 'Company Computer Guy' that Jimmy Fallon played on SNL. MOOOOOOVE!!!!!

- Great baseball year. I guess the quinoa wraps/acai juice/weekly B-12 injections are starting to pay off. I shit you not, here are his numbers for 2013:

.313 BA    26 HR's    109 RBI's    .487 OBP   4.1 WAR   32 SB's   8 dive-ahhs

That's like a fantasy league wet dream. Plus he was a great locker room leader, could grind out at-bats, and always showed a proper 'sense of urgency' to kick-start a rally.

- 4.0 GPA. I know they don't calculate this in 2nd grade but it's the rough equivalent of what he's gotten every semester. He's excelling at math, loves science, can spell 15+ letter words without breaking a sweat, and has an extensive vocabulary. This Spring, we will be enrolling him in the elite 'Mission To Mars' program, which grooms intellectual youths for future NASA roles. Daddy also thinks of this as a beachhead to cracking the Area 51 mafia code of silence. If Brian can be an 'insider' on the ground, we can finally validate the existence of aliens and the globalist plan to re-animate the dreaded Nephilim at some point to enforce the New World Order, bowing subservience to a supernatural alien agenda.

Honorable mention:
- Broke his leg at gymnastics. Why he was in a gymnastics facility in the first place is still a 'bone' of contention in our house. The kid that ran into him did not make out so well. Lots of peeps at the funeral though, so that's gotta count for something.
- Broke his mini-iPad. I guess when you break your leg, your mother-in-law needs to get you an overpriced gadget. Not sure my father-in-law knows about this purchase yet. Nor the 'replacement purchase' made five months later for Christmas.
- Read the entire Boxcar Children series cover to cover WHILE brushing his teeth/making his bed. Your kids probably can't even READ!

Meghan (Age 6)

Meghan, our middle child and only daughter, continues to thrive in kindergarten. Beautiful girl, fun to be around, great sense of humor, and well liked by her classmates. But again, that's boring and no one gives a shit. 2013 was a banner year for Meghan:

- Awesome gymnast. She's been doing this for a little over a year, and somehow rocketed to the top of her peer group. For $173/month, I was expecting nothing less. She completes very complicated moves 1) without accidentally farting and 2) without falling over. She can do a Front Aerial with her eyes closed. A Double Layout, Half In, Half Out from a standing position with no running start, as well as a Triple Tuck while blindfolded. I mean, the list goes on and on - but the common denominator remains - my daughter can do this shit, and yours can't.
- Fantastic dancer. While all of you were out 'twerking' (overused word of the year), Meghan was perfecting her dance routine. Fields of Gold 2014 will be the performance, and I have no doubt she will own the night. How many six year olds can do a Grand Jete? Fouette? Leaping Pirouette? Straight Leg Scorpion? Answer: 'not your dopey child'. Meghan can, and she does it with an innocent smile and humble disposition.
- Expert swimmer. We've enrolled the children in swimming classes 'just to better round them out.' And it's working ($600 later). Meghan has the fastest breast-stroke for her age group in all of Bucks County, PA. She actually CORRECTS her lifeguard/swim coach when HIS form is wrong. Her diving is starting to improve a great deal as well, ever since we installed a balcony to the side of our house for her to jump off of into a kiddy pool.

Honorable mention:
- Still thinks "vagina" is pronounced "bagina"
- Says she will get married so that her husband can "get her snacks and pick up her toys" for her. But she is not sure about having children when she grows up because "there is blood and it hurts and people see your privates" (namely the bagina).
- Had allergic reaction and needed to go on steroids for a few days, which resulted in hyper-behavior, trying to jump off the top of the stairs, and ripping off of doll legs/heads. Steriods and children do not mix.
- Sneaks lipstick to school in her Monster High backpack so she can glam up in the kindergarten bathroom. I think I may have to kill myself when she is a teenager.
- She has always rocked very long hair styles but recently she got an adorable 'bob' haircut with layers, and was cautioned on the pitfalls of pixie cuts.

Matthew (Age 2)

Matthew, our youngest, is a proud toddler with adorable little blonde curls, a cherub face, and cheeks you could just squish/bite. His little personality is developing by the day, and he keeps us on our toes! Yup - he sure does!! Ha ha ho ho!!! SHUT UP!!!! Crumple crumple your dumb letter goes in my trash. STFU about how cute your kid is. No one cares. Matty was amazing in 2013:

- Conquered his YMCA Mommy and Me class and then some. Got a sticker for behaving EACH WEEK and made his way through the tumbling obstacle course in 43 seconds, a historic mark that stood for one week before he BROKE HIS OWN RECORD with a 41.6 second romp. He OWNED that shit and instead of taunting his inferior classmates, he simply wandered to the water fountain and politely asked to be lifted up for a lukewarm sip of wa-wa.
- Fully potty-trained. The child shows discipline, patience, and calm demeanor when he has to go pee and poop. Simply waddles to toilet, exclaims to no one in particular, 'I have to pee in the potty', drops 'trou' and lets it fly. Skidmarks have been reduced by 63% since May. I think making the switch from Pixar undies to Marvel Comics undies was a game-changer. Food for thought.
- Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'. Forget the 'Tough Mudder' - this child survives daily beat-downs from the Brian-Meghan gauntlet and rarely cries. Meghan's patented move is the scrunching of her teeth followed by a Scorpion-from-Mortal-Kombat-esque 'GET OVER HERE' culminating in a head-squeeze/hair-pull/chest-shove triple hit combo. Matty sits back up like The Undertaker, adjusts his wrists and gets back to work (probably picking his nose or eating fruit snacks). Brian is more sneaky - he waits until our backs are turned and gives Matty a subtle pinch in a fleshy spot and shoves him over. I've taught him to fight back with a two-attack arsenal - shout 'Shorrryuken' and slap your sister and brother across the chest, and 'Haduuuuuuken' followed up with a swift mule kick to the guts. Let's just say the attacks have subsided since he received this training.
- He's also been walking and talking since way before his first birthday and by now is having full back and forth conversations including jokes and asking and answering questions.

Matthew - "I want to play with my Batman car and make him run over your head."
Me - "Not now Matthew."
Matthew - "Why not?"
Me - "It's getting late out."
Matthew - "But its not dark yet."
Me - "It'll be dark soon."
Matthew - "Shut up fat loser, you mind your business and do what I say."
Me - "OK." (hangs head in shame after being bullied by a 2 year old).

He can run like the wind and jump over boulders, and even has perfected his somersaults and headstands. What does YOUR kid do, eat his boogers? Shit his pants? Shit someone else's pants?

Honorable mention:
- Some new words and phrases have made their way into his vocabulary, which is cause for concern:

  • 'Penis'
  • 'Mind your business, hog'
  • 'Shut up, pig'
  • 'Butthole'
  • 'Shut up, fat loser'
  • 'Poopy guts'
- Recently overcame an irrational fear of Brian's Batmobile remote control car. Would run and hide every time the sounds played, scream in fear, whimper in the corner. Now he takes it all over the house with him and even cuddles on the couch with it, even though it's 1/3rd the size of his little body. Look it's cute so shut up. 
- Inability to pivot away from yogurt, grilled cheese, pasta, and mac & cheese. So basically, he's just like every other child his age. Stop judging - no one gives a shit that you feed your kids organic kale sandwiches pesto-flavored hot dogs made of bison entrails. They're probably gonna get adult onset diabetes anyway. 

I think that should do it for the 2013 Christmas Brag Letter. See how obnoxious this sounds? THAT'S WHAT YOURS SOUNDS LIKE!!!!! Hopefully this puts an end to your self-important cards. Stick to the Merry Christmas script from here on out. 

This concludes 2013 from a blogging standpoint. 5,000 views in the first year, which was a lot more than I ever thought I'd get in a lifetime, let alone one year. This is strictly organic through Facebook, so hopefully I will think of creative ways to expand readership in 2014. Suggestions and feedback welcomed. Thanks to those who have read the Trousered Apes blog in 2013 - I wish you all a Merry Christmas and healthy, happy, safe 2014. God bless!

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