1. Put your effing cell phones away - you are relaxing in the sun, sand, and water. I don't want to see you sitting in a beach chair texting away to see what Mildred is doing and who she met at the dive bar in Southie last night. Tell her to get a morning-after pill and hang up. She's a slam-pig/slump-buster anyway. You also don't need to check in with work because either you're on vacation or you aren't. Stop acting all important and using work lingo intentionally loud so that it looks like you are intelligent and important. You actually aren't, because you wouldn't be bothered if you actually tried to transition your work properly instead of rushing out of the office Thursday afternoon. Finally, your kid wandered over to our section and started taking my kids' shovels. If you were not texting/playing Candy Crush, then he would have stayed in his section of the beach. Plus I think he shit himself and it's leaking down the back of his leg. You might want to start parenting in the next five seconds before I start giving him pixie sticks and Fun Dip. Oh - almost forgot - your twelve year-old is doing the dead man's float about twenty feet out right now. Something about an undertow. I honestly stopped listening once he started to slur his words and went into full-fledged drowning mode. But at least you now have your plans in place for whatever cougar night club you were going to visit tonight with Donna and Brenda tonight.
|If you look like WWE superstar Sheamus, put on some bronzer|
3. Don't pee at the beach house/pool bathrooms. They are dirty. They have pubic hair and kid droppings all over the place, plus they are generally wet from whatever water people track in. You also get those slobs who think its ok to have a sweaty dump at a public beach or pool. They just bring their stench with them and YOU are stuck picking up the pieces. So its real simple. Do what you need to do at home. Get to the beach, and if you need to pee, just go in the pool. If Duxbury Beach in Massachusetts has gotten warmer in the last twenty years, its because I dipped my privates in there and pretended I was admiring the horizon. I ain't walking to an outhouse, only to look down the hole and find it covered in bloody tampons with fresh poops sitting on top. I'm gonna splash around, maybe grab a Boogie Board as an alibi and let it fly. My kids do the same shit, except they giggle while they do it - so you know they are grateful for this opportunity. Community pools are excellent to piss in. Family/friends with pools, that's a case by case. I don't pee in those pools, because I want to be invited back. But community pools? Have you seen the sediment on the surface when you see the sun reflecting off of it? Exactly. Your pee ain't gonna spoil the bushel.
Honorable Mention - if an endangered species of two inch long bird ('Piping Plovers') are on the beach, don't shut 80% of the fucking beach down. Do a cost/benefit analysis and ask yourself - 'Am I going to lose a lot of money pissing off loyal residents of the beach if we severely restrict access?' If the answer is 'yes', then bulldoze the habitat/cook their dead bodies/give them alka-seltzer/torture them or feed them to the seagulls. This actually happened in my hometown, where these things have more rights than unborn fetuses/illegal Mexicans. 75% of them die before even hatching, and each nest needs about a mile of fencing surrounding it. We should blame our federal dunderheaded government for that, not the local beach preservation society. Feel free to beat up the bird-nerds protecting them, though.