Thursday, February 21, 2013
A Treatise on Free Samples/Taking Food That's Clearly Not Yours
Since we are approaching 50 million people on food stamps and about 50% of America sucking on the wrinkled, old man tit of Uncle Sam, I figured it's time to start ramping up my corporate rummaging campaign. Ok I just tried to Google a picture of Uncle Sam getting his nipples licked and porn just showed up. On my work computer. Dammit. To those that know me, I love me some free samples and free food. I have a routine that I go through at food courts and a routine that I go through at work. We'll walk through proper protocol and identify ways of increasing success rates of scoring said food.
Low Hanging Fruit - Food Court/Yuppy Food Stores
The best places to score low-risk samples are any mall food courts and organic food stores. The mall food court usually features two mutton-quality Asian joints, a chicken shack, and if you're not in Massachusetts, some type of Memphis BBQ sandwich shop. When I hit up the mall with colleagues, I politely excuse myself and hit up (in order) - the Chik-Fil-A for two fried chicken nuggets, the Chinese bistro for a tangy chicken, BBQ place for some pulled pork sample, and finish up with some salty Japanese meat (insert joke here). I then go through a second time, and in the process, fill up to the point where I don't need to order a whole sandwich or three burritos from Taco Smell. Chik-Fil-A usually has a 93 year-old grandmother with dentures and a pickled face passing out samples, so they don't care if I come through again. Ditto with the Asian places. Americans all look the same to 'them', so no need to don the Groucho Marx glasses. If they give you weird looks, pretend you are still deciding and perhaps threaten to go to the other Asian establishment. The Chinese and Japanese love each other, believe me I know from having visited both places never.
Another hot spot for samples is Whole Foods/Wegmans/Trader Joes. Always act confused and lost when approaching the boothes. Study up on obscure ingredients as talking points and insert a Barnes & Noble Manager over-laugh into the conversation, they'll love it. While snarfing your barley quinoa with horsefeed flavoring, make sure to take three cups of free coffee (but keep smiling). Wander the store, pass gas in the cheese section and then ask some Rachel Maddow look-a-like when the next shipment of dried mango carrot slices comes, as you back up while talking to the sample stand while some blazed-up Parrothead puts out tofu chicken wings. Inhale three more mini cups of coffee and voila, you've saved $1.75 on coffee that you no longer need to buy. Rinse lather repeat for Whole Foods, minus the coffee. You are well on your way to the advanced level - stealing from corporate functions.
Continental Corporate Breakfast - Mercy Is For The Weak
The ballsiest among us raid corporate buffets for sustenance. I'm one of them. The joke at my company is that there is no food I won't touch, and I even brought Tupperware to our corporate BBQ to bring home Cheesesteaks and pork sandwiches. Think of it as 'resource maximization.' Once a spread is out there for a conference or meeting, you need to proceed with caution so that you don't get nabbed. I like to do a walk-through first to assess the layout and identify the 'nice to haves' vs the 'need to haves'. You don't need to make a damn deli sandwich. Consider how lucky you are and grab in small amounts. Pre-made wraps/sandwich halves are key. So are muffins, yogurts, and fun bars. Coffee gets a little dicey. I know the cream outside of the coffee shop is better, so I quickly pump out the coffee and split to higher ground. A fruit spread, while healthy, exposes you to passersby due to the tongs and plate setup. Know thy fruits, stay away from fruit cubes since they are harder to pick up. I've taken full-ass trays of shit before, it can be done. Once convinced some colleagues to 'follow me to freedom' as we absconded with 30 abandoned sodas, prompting a large sign on the door the next day saying 'do not remove food from this room.' I was also tailed by someone who suspected that I was the culprit. Scariest two minutes of my life.