Thursday, February 21, 2013

A Treatise on Free Samples/Taking Food That's Clearly Not Yours

I took extra time in-between posts to let the 'Prophecy of the Popes' entry sink in. Actually, just being lazy. Hope you're still intrigued though and learned something new. Looks like we'll have our new ('final') Pope by March 20th, just in time for Easter/WrestleMania (Jesus was the originator of the hurricanrana/tornado DDT).

Stay tuned for a future post in the aftermath as I've been reading some crazy ish lately. But I digress. Tonight I wanted to throw out some tips and tricks to ganking stuff around the office.

Since we are approaching 50 million people on food stamps and about 50% of America sucking on the wrinkled, old man tit of Uncle Sam, I figured it's time to start ramping up my corporate rummaging campaign. Ok I just tried to Google a picture of Uncle Sam getting his nipples licked and porn just showed up. On my work computer. Dammit. To those that know me, I love me some free samples and free food. I have a routine that I go through at food courts and a routine that I go through at work. We'll walk through proper protocol and identify ways of increasing success rates of scoring said food.

Low Hanging Fruit - Food Court/Yuppy Food Stores

The best places to score low-risk samples are any mall food courts and organic food stores. The mall food court usually features two mutton-quality Asian joints, a chicken shack, and if you're not in Massachusetts, some type of Memphis BBQ sandwich shop. When I hit up the mall with colleagues, I politely excuse myself and hit up (in order) - the Chik-Fil-A for two fried chicken nuggets, the Chinese bistro for a tangy chicken, BBQ place for some pulled pork sample, and finish up with some salty Japanese meat (insert joke here). I then go through a second time, and in the process, fill up to the point where I don't need to order a whole sandwich or three burritos from Taco Smell. Chik-Fil-A usually has a 93 year-old grandmother with dentures and a pickled face passing out samples, so they don't care if I come through again. Ditto with the Asian places. Americans all look the same to 'them', so no need to don the Groucho Marx glasses. If they give you weird looks, pretend you are still deciding and perhaps threaten to go to the other Asian establishment. The Chinese and Japanese love each other, believe me I know from having visited both places never.

Another hot spot for samples is Whole Foods/Wegmans/Trader Joes. Always act confused and lost when approaching the boothes. Study up on obscure ingredients as talking points and insert a Barnes & Noble Manager over-laugh into the conversation, they'll love it. While snarfing your barley quinoa with horsefeed flavoring, make sure to take three cups of free coffee (but keep smiling). Wander the store, pass gas in the cheese section and then ask some Rachel Maddow look-a-like when the next shipment of dried mango carrot slices comes, as you back up while talking to the sample stand while some blazed-up Parrothead puts out tofu chicken wings. Inhale three more mini cups of coffee and voila, you've saved $1.75 on coffee that you no longer need to buy. Rinse lather repeat for Whole Foods, minus the coffee. You are well on your way to the advanced level - stealing from corporate functions.

Continental Corporate Breakfast - Mercy Is For The Weak

The ballsiest among us raid corporate buffets for sustenance. I'm one of them. The joke at my company is that there is no food I won't touch, and I even brought Tupperware to our corporate BBQ to bring home Cheesesteaks and pork sandwiches. Think of it as 'resource maximization.' Once a spread is out there for a conference or meeting, you need to proceed with caution so that you don't get nabbed. I like to do a walk-through first to assess the layout and identify the 'nice to haves' vs the 'need to haves'. You don't need to make a damn deli sandwich. Consider how lucky you are and grab in small amounts. Pre-made wraps/sandwich halves are key. So are muffins, yogurts, and fun bars. Coffee gets a little dicey. I know the cream outside of the coffee shop is better, so I quickly pump out the coffee and split to higher ground. A fruit spread, while healthy, exposes you to passersby due to the tongs and plate setup. Know thy fruits, stay away from fruit cubes since they are harder to pick up. I've taken full-ass trays of shit before, it can be done. Once convinced some colleagues to 'follow me to freedom' as we absconded with 30 abandoned sodas, prompting a large sign on the door the next day saying 'do not remove food from this room.' I was also tailed by someone who suspected that I was the culprit. Scariest two minutes of my life.

You need to have backup plans when you take food. I've made friends with the catering staff, always have a stupid joke lined up and blend into corporate functions by wearing ties and exposing my badge on my hip when appropriate. The best is when you bump into a crowd just getting out of a meeting and right when you are about to be caught red-handed, you see someone you vaguely know and bullshit something about " what a great presentation that was - Lenny really nailed it. Our pipeline truly appears robust." Cue nervous laughter, dumb joke, more nervous laughter. Mention the weather and how crappy Philly sports teams are. Ask about their weekend as you stuff grapes into your pockets/any available orifice. If you are caught by the catering staff, pretend you were late for the meeting and that you are having second thoughts about attending and that you'll just sit outside until they are done. Say something like "Is this the corporate symposium on innovation?" and when they get confused, laugh and say "I must have my meetings messed up......muah hahahaha.....muahhh haha....muah..." followed up by a mucus-y cough.

I was actually caught a few weeks ago outside of the executive area with a cookie in my hand. But I was cool about it. "Why, I thought the meeting had adjourned and these were up for grabs! Early lunch!!! Uhh....uhhh....they call me the Cookie Monster." The poor slob giggled and shook his head. I was safe for another day. But I learned my lesson. Don't get cocky. Wait till the crowd has dissipated. Steal in increments. If you need to go back to your desk, make a couple runs. Today was Chinese New Year celebration, so free samples + white people all look the same = lots of food. You have to play the nervous laughter game a few times, but it's easy to pick up. Say something about fortune cookies and how "you'll eventually own the United States" to stroke their ego. All while stuffing egg rolls in your pockets/gullet. Keep the smile on your face as you head to the elevator, and then when the door closes, either laugh maniacally at the caper you just pulled, or slowly slide down the elevator wall breathing a sigh of relief that you got away with it.  

Congratulations - you've just taken food that was never earmarked for you! How does it feel? Good? Are you guilt-ridden? Are you happy with yourself? You should be. It goes into the trash or a janitor steals it in-between their three hour dinner/cocaine breaks. Stand up proud. Hold your chin up. You're a Corporate Raider.

1 comment:

  1. HA! I dont know what Oliver is talking about. I laughed so hard I $hit out tinga! muahhhh muahhhh..norman nervous laugh