Back to rant-worthy topics instead of doom and gloom economic panic. Let's just watch the Cyprus stuff unfold together, shall we? Don't think it can't happen in America, either. Subject of another post. Keep your eyes on the fallout, though, because the contagion will eventually make its way to across the Atlantic.
Tonight's post deals with the insane amount of parties we throw ourselves before a wedding and a baby's birth. I made a checklist of items and it's pretty extensive. I'm going to detail them just to give you some perspective on how two fairly common life events become a self-consumed wallet-drain.
Quick disclaimer - my wife and I are guilty of some of these, so don't run off and get all offended because I put a flashlight on it. Sometimes they are unavoidable, but you gotta play the game.
Marriage lead-up used to be three events: 1) Proposal 2) Bridal Shower and 3) Wedding. Give your guy a reality check about your biological clock, guilt the guy into proposing on your timetable, say 'Yes', have your Mom and sister throw you a bridal shower where you run around in brand new lingerie and granny panties, have phony conversations, play stupid games, and eat chicken satay kabobs. Then you get married in a pretty ceremony and go on your honeymoon and live happily ever after till you get divorced at 40. But WAIT!!!! That wasn't enough! We need to add more events!!
Event #1 - Engagement Party ($20-$40)
You can't just have a run-of-the-mill proposal and that's it. You need to throw yourself a damn party!!!! You're gonna be doing something that millions of people around the world do every year, but you're special! We got engaged in college and had a half-assed, low-key engagement party. Booze and some chips. That's all we needed. Everyone else was too busy ingesting morning-after pills and majoring in worthless liberal arts classes to even THINK about marriage. So we dealt with family and friends rolling their eyes about 'how young we were', got well-versed in giving people lip service, and didn't shove our engagement down other people's throats. Disingenuous congratulations, no gifts, and weekend plans were not disrupted. Just the way we wanted it. Cost to our friends - $0.
Event #2 - Bachelor/Bachelorette Incremental Add-ins ($800)
Congrats! You're married, poorer, and so is everyone else in your life because of you. But guess what! You just found out you're preggers!!!!! More self-serving parties and new traditions coming right up!!!!
Event #1 - Gender Reveal ($100-$200)
Event #2 - Baby 'Sprinkle'/Pink Party ($200-$400)
A baby shower for your first born wasn't enough. You need to reaccumulate shit by making your friends throw you a pink party if you're having a girl, or a 'sprinkle' for your second, third, fourth children. More excuses to guilt people into buying you stuff, albeit in the newer model that Greico approves of. More mingling, dumb girl conversation, and dried out cake pops in the shape of baby rattles. Shoot me.
Event #3 - Babymoon ($1000-$2000)
Honorable mention post-baby birth:
- baby with card next to head explaining how many months old they are
- B&W photo shoot of naked baby beach frolic/sleeping
- overpriced birth announcement mailing
- piercing ears against baby's will for vanity purposes
- selfies/texting from operating table
Next post - Different types of Playground Parents and what to look out for. Happy Easter!!!!!