Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Pre-Wedding and Pre-Baby Pamper-fest

Back to rant-worthy topics instead of doom and gloom economic panic. Let's just watch the Cyprus stuff unfold together, shall we? Don't think it can't happen in America, either. Subject of another post. Keep your eyes on the fallout, though, because the contagion will eventually make its way to across the Atlantic.

Tonight's post deals with the insane amount of parties we throw ourselves before a wedding and a baby's birth. I made a checklist of items and it's pretty extensive. I'm going to detail them just to give you some perspective on how two fairly common life events become a self-consumed wallet-drain.

Quick disclaimer - my wife and I are guilty of some of these, so don't run off and get all offended because I put a flashlight on it. Sometimes they are unavoidable, but you gotta play the game.

Marriage lead-up used to be three events: 1) Proposal 2) Bridal Shower and 3) Wedding. Give your guy a reality check about your biological clock, guilt the guy into proposing on your timetable, say 'Yes', have your Mom and sister throw you a bridal shower where you run around in brand new lingerie and granny panties, have phony conversations, play stupid games, and eat chicken satay kabobs. Then you get married in a pretty ceremony and go on your honeymoon and live happily ever after till you get divorced at 40. But WAIT!!!! That wasn't enough! We need to add more events!!

Event #1 - Engagement Party ($20-$40)
You can't just have a run-of-the-mill proposal and that's it. You need to throw yourself a damn party!!!! You're gonna be doing something that millions of people around the world do every year, but you're special! We got engaged in college and had a half-assed, low-key engagement party. Booze and some chips. That's all we needed. Everyone else was too busy ingesting morning-after pills and majoring in worthless liberal arts classes to even THINK about marriage. So we dealt with family and friends rolling their eyes about 'how young we were', got well-versed in giving people lip service, and didn't shove our engagement down other people's throats. Disingenuous congratulations, no gifts, and weekend plans were not disrupted. Just the way we wanted it. Cost to our friends - $0.

Event #2 - Bachelor/Bachelorette Incremental Add-ins ($800)
Bachelor/Bachelorette parties are awesome. Don't get it twisted. But they've gone from an overnight or two to a three or four day junket. Golf, bars, golf, bars, strippers, coke benders, more strippers, vomit, dead strippers, more vomit, sleeping in Brooks Brothers shirts.
Bachelorette's involve a smidgen less coke, male strippers, vomiting, baked goods shaped like veiny penises, blow up sex toys, real sex toys, vagina cupcakes, nipple cupcakes, dick cakes, embroidered shirts, token frumpy girls that don't fit in, and so on and so forth. When did it get so out of control and LENGTHY? Plus this shit is expensive!!!!

Event #3 - Engagement Photo Shoot ($200)
Now that you are getting married, you need to memorialize it, but it's too early for the wedding album. So you gotta frolic somewhere and have a photographer capture the moment!!! It needs to be black and white though. And on a beach. Sundress for the gal and unbuttoned shirt for the lad. Mission: Critical that the B&W photo shoot take place within two weeks of engagement, or else.......or else its just bad.

Event #4 - Mini-Moon ($1200-$1500)
It's not enough to make your husband-to-be take you on a nice vacation of no less than two weeks for the actual Honeymoon, but you need to pamper yourselves like two months before the big day too. It's your reward for.....getting married....and all the hard work and planning that.....your mother probably did for you.

Total new costs for wedding-related activities that totally didn't exist twenty years ago - $2200-$2500

Congrats! You're married, poorer, and so is everyone else in your life because of you. But guess what! You just found out you're preggers!!!!! More self-serving parties and new traditions coming right up!!!!

Event #1 - Gender Reveal ($100-$200)
It's the equivalent of the engagement party for pregnancy. No fundamental need for it, just an excuse to throw yourself a party. Invite 20+ guests, maybe they bring a gift? Get a cake at the bakery, and find out the gender in front of everybody because get it the center is either blue or pink?!?!? Yayyyy!!!!! What do you do if you are pregnant with a hermaphrodite? Green? Purple? What if it's triplets and you banged a black guy? Effin rainbow cake? Why is this event happening? Can't you just queef that thing out and let people be surprised? Do you need a party for yourself? Don't answer that question. Your shame is starting to build, isn't it?

Event #2 - Baby 'Sprinkle'/Pink Party ($200-$400)
A baby shower for your first born wasn't enough. You need to reaccumulate shit by making your friends throw you a pink party if you're having a girl, or a 'sprinkle' for your second, third, fourth children. More excuses to guilt people into buying you stuff, albeit in the newer model that Greico approves of. More mingling, dumb girl conversation, and dried out cake pops in the shape of baby rattles. Shoot me.

Event #3 - Babymoon ($1000-$2000)
It's also not enough to be pregnant for nine months. Cause tens of millions of women on Planet Earth go through this every year in worse conditions. You, on the other hand, need to be transported like the Queen of Sheeba carried on a wooden device with four slaves straining to hold you up. If you can fly, you do it to a warm locale. If you can't, a nice hotel in the city will do. You need to spend thousands of dollars that you
don't have for one last hurrah. Quarter of a million to raise them to 18 years old, so what's another $1-$2k? What happened to your water breaking in the middle of your lunch break? Why do you need to be served grapes and hershey bars and caviar whilst lounging by the pool as Otto the poolboy fans you down? Can't you take it like a man and tough it out (tongue in cheek, relax).

Event #4 - Push Present ($200-$300)
Last step before you pop - make your husband buy you something for carrying this life-form in your guts for nine months! You've demanded a trip, multiple parties, midnight Taco Bell runs, and now you need a new necklace!!!! Do I get a Plant Present for knocking you up? Where's my new Fossil watch for implanting you with my seed? Do you get a Pluck Present if you have a c-section? Help me out here!

Total new costs for baby-related activities that totally didn't exist twenty years ago - $1500-$3000

Honorable mention post-baby birth:
- baby with card next to head explaining how many months old they are
- B&W photo shoot of naked baby beach frolic/sleeping
- overpriced birth announcement mailing
- piercing ears against baby's will for vanity purposes
- selfies/texting from operating table

Next post - Different types of Playground Parents and what to look out for. Happy Easter!!!!!

1 comment:

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